Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me
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For other films in this series, see Austin Powers (film series).

Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me is a 1999 film in which Dr. Evil is back...and has invented a new time machine that allows him to go back to the 60's and steal Austin Powers's mojo, inadvertently leaving him "shagless".

Directed by Jay Roach. Written by Mike Myers and Michael McCullers.

First he fought for the Crown. Now he's fighting for the family jewels! taglines

Dialogue

[edit]

[Each time Austin pushes a button on the remote, Vanessa motions according to the button pushed]

Austin: Vanessa, what's going on? [pushes the play button]

Vanessa: [walks up to him in normal speed] I don't know what you mean, Austin. I'm the same Vane- [her sentence is muted when Austin pushes the mute button; he pushes the same button again] You must be- [Austin pushes the SAP button; in Spanish] -Tu imaginación está jugando con ti, querido.

Austin: [in the state of shock] OH, MY GOD! [Vanessa strangles him by the neck; he rips her face off and sees the face of a machine in its place] Vanessa! You're a fembot!

Vanessa: No shit, Sherlock! [throws Austin aside and releases machine guns from her breasts]

Austin: Machine gun jubblies? How did I miss those, baby?

Vanessa: Perhaps next time you should try foreplay.

Austin: Right. [to himself] Oh, my God!

["Vanessa" shoots her machine guns at Austin for 20 seconds, and stops firing as Austin waves a white flag to surrender]

Dr. Evil's voice: Here's your wedding present, Mr. Powers. A kamikaze bride from me: Dr. Evil. [countdown reaches zero; "Vanessa's" head explodes, destroying bits of the hotel room]

Austin: [unharmed, checks to see if his crotch is intact] Oh, thank God.

[At the Jerry Springer show, Dr. Evil sits beside Scott]

Dr. Evil: Hello, Scott. Daddy's back.

Scott: [cannot believe this] How could you do this to me?! On national television?!

Dr. Evil: Well, throw me a frickin' bone here, Scott.

Scott: Why'd you run out on me?

Dr. Evil: Because you're not quite evil enough. [audience starts groaning] Well, it's true. [to Scott] You're quasi-evil. You're semi-evil. You're the margarine of evil. You're the Diet Coke of evil. Just 1 calorie. Not evil enough.

White-Hooded Man: What are you? Some kinda freak?!

Scott: [stands up] Shut up, you [bleep]er!

Dr. Evil: Okay, come on!

Hooded Man: [stands up, too] I'll kick your [bleep], punk!

Scott: Bring it on, you skanky [bleep]!

Dr. Evil: No one talks to my son like that. It's okay, Scott. [to the hooded man] You mother[bleep]er! [stands up and attacks the hooded man. The audience goes wild, as well as numerous bleeps, Jerry's bodyguards try to stop the fight] You were born in your mother's [bleep]!

Audience: [chanting] Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!

Austin: Who are you, baby?

Ivana: Ivana. Ivana Humpalot.

Austin: Excuse me?

Ivana: Ivana Humpalot.

Austin: And I Vanna toilet made out of solid gold, but its just not in the cards now, is it? [laughs]

Ivana: Do you know how we keep warm in Russia?

Austin: I can guess, baby.

Ivana: We play chess.

Austin: I guessed wrong.

Ivana: It takes a keen intellect to play chess, Mr. Powers. I assume you know how to play.

Austin: Of course, baby.

Dr. Evil: Frau Farbissina, Wie geht es Ihnen? [Translation: How are you?]

Frau: Sehr gut, Herr Doctor. [Very good, Doctor.]

Dr. Evil: How are things?

Frau: I have come to embrace the love that dare not speak its name. To my right is my lover. [reveals said female] We met at the LPGA Tour. Her name is Unibrau.

Dr. Evil: Right on. Welcome, Unibrau.

Frau: [looks at the coffee cream on Dr. Evil's nose] Dr. Evil, you, uh- [points to the nose]

Dr. Evil: What? What?

Frau: You've got a little milk...nose...mustache.

Dr. Evil: [looks at himself in his mirror] I know. I know. I meant to. [wipes his nose] That's how we drink it in Belgium. It's called a Belgian Dip.

Number Two: Why not use your knowledge of the future to play the stock market? We could make trillions.

Dr. Evil: Why make trillions when we could make... [zoom up, play evil sound bite, and pause] Billions? [grins]

Scott: A trillion is more than a billion, numb-nuts.

Dr. Evil: All right. Zip it.

Scott: You-- You can't even-

Dr. Evil: Zip it! Zip.

Scott: Look, all I'm-

Dr. Evil: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, ex-zip-it A.

Scott: Number Two, would you please back me up?

Dr. Evil: Look! I'm "Zippy" Longstocking!

Scott: Ugh. I can't-

Dr. Evil: [to the tune of Devo's "Whip It"] When a problem comes along, you must zip it! [imitates whip] Zip it good!

Scott: Frau, would you please-?

Dr. Evil: [speaks Japanese] Damare. [Subtitle: "Zip it".]

Scott: I'm just trying to-

Dr. Evil: Zip! Would you like to have a suckle of my "zipple"?

Scott: I want-

Dr. Evil: Sh!

Scott: Stop. [Dr. Evil speaks gibberish] All you- [Dr. Evil speaks more gibberish] You- [again] You're like a child! [again] Talkin'- [again] If you just- [again] Just- [again] One time-

Dr. Evil: Zip it. Unveil the time portal.

Austin: [about to travel back to 1969] Wait a tick. Basil, if I travel back to 1969, and I was frozen in 1967, presumably, I could go visit my frozen self. But, if I'm still frozen in 1967, how could I have been unthawed in the 90's and traveled back to... [cross-eyed] Oh, no. I've gone cross-eyed.

Basil: I suggest you don't worry about this sort of thing, and just enjoy yourself. [to the home audience] That goes for you all, too.

Austin: [to the home audience] Yes.

Swallows: My name is Robin Swallows.

Austin: Swallows. That's an interesting name.

Swallows: Maiden name's Spitz.

Austin: Well, which is it, baby? Spitz or Swallows?

[Austin and Swallows fall from Austin's pad after a shot from a bazooka]

Swallows: The fall will kill us both, Powers! [Austin moves her in front of him to break his fall; they land hard on the sidewalk; still alive] You can't win, Powers.

[O'Brien looks over the edge, reloads his machine gun, and opens fire]

Austin: Why won't you die?!

Austin: Who sent you?!

Mustafa: You'll have to kill me.

Austin: Who sent you?!

Mustafa: Kiss my ass, Powers!

Austin: Who sent you?!

Mustafa: Dr. Evil!

Felicity: That was easy.

Austin: That was easy.

Felicity: Why did you tell us?

Mustafa: I can't stand to be asked the same question 3 times. It just irritates me.

Austin: Where is Dr. Evil hiding?

Mustafa: Why would he tell me? I'm just one of his low-level functionaries.

Austin: Where is Dr. Evil hiding?

Mustafa: You'll have to torture me. I'll never tell you.

Austin: [quickly] Where's Dr. Evil hiding?!

Mustafa: Damn! 3 times! He's hiding in the secret volcano lair.

Austin: Where's Dr. Evil's secret volcano lair?

Mustafa: [spits] I spit at the question.

Austin: Do I really have to ask you 2 more times?

Mustafa: Go to hell, Powers.

Austin: Fine. [slowly] Where is Dr. Evil's secret...volcano...lair?

Mustafa: I will take it to the grave with me.

Felicity: Aha! You have to answer. He asked you 3 times.

Mustafa: No, no, no! No. The second question was: "Do I really have to ask you 2 more times?". So that would be the first question in a new line of questioning, and wouldn't count in the other line of questioning.

Austin: He's right.

Austin: Those are skin tight. How do you get into those pants, baby?

Felicity: You can start by buying me a drink.

[Austin wheezes heavily]

Fat Bastard: Would you like some chicken? I've got more.

Felicity: No, thanks.

[Fat Bastard rolls over to get more food at the side of his bed; Felicity takes a homing device out of her purse and notices an opening in his rear end]

Basil: [voice-over, via Felicity's memory] Remember, by any means necessary.

[Felicity nervously sticks it in his behind]

Fat Bastard: OOH! Frisky are we? Give it up! [rolls on top of her]

Frau: You know I will never love another man.

Dr. Evil: Well, yes. That's true.

Basil: Hello, everybody!

Austin: Hello, Basil!

Basil: The results are in. We've discovered trace elements of a rare vegetable found only on one island, here, in the Caribbean.

Austin: Whoop-de-doo! What does it all mean, Basil?

Basil: It means that this is the location of Dr. Evil's lair!

Austin: Smashing, Basil. [sniffs his "coffee", then frowns] Cor! This coffee smells like shit!

Basil: [looks at Fat Bastard's stool sample, from which Austin has inadvertently poured into his mug] It is shit, Austin.

Austin: Oh, good. Then it's not just me. [drinks the sample and smacks his lips] It's a bit nutty.

Dr. Evil: [about his new "laser"] You see, I've turned the moon into what I like to call a "Death Star". [Scott snickers] What?

Scott: Oh, nothin', Darth.

Dr. Evil: What did you call me?

Scott: Oh, nothin'. [sneezes] Rip-off!

Dr. Evil: Bless you.

Dr. Evil: The key to this project is the giant laser, which was invented by the noted Cambridge physicist, Dr. Parsons. Therefore, we shall call it: "The Alan Parsons Project".

Scott: [snickers] "Oh my god".

Dr. Evil: What now?

Scott: The Alan Parsons Project is a progressive rock band in 1982. Why don't you just call it Operation Wang Chung, ass?

Austin: [looks through binoculars around neck] Dr. Evil's headquarters is just over that next ridge.

Felicity: Let me look. [pulls binoculars, with Austin, across]

Austin: AAAGH!

Felicity: Damn it! [pulls binoculars down] How do we get in?

Austin: [stuck in Felicity's chest] Hello, Mummy. Mummy, can I have some chocolate? I want some Mars bars!

Felicity: Austin?

Austin: Don't smack my bottom, mummy!

Felicity: Austin?

Austin: [pulls himself up] Sorry, love. I got stuck in your dirty pillows.

Felicity: Let's look at the map. [drags Austin by the binoculars and heads into the tent]

Austin: Oh, God!

Dr. Evil: Mr. President, allow me to demonstrate the awesome lethality of the Alan Parsons Project. Fire the laser! [shows a clip of a UFO from Independence Day blowing up the White House]

President: [freaks out and ducks under the desk] Damage report! Damage report!

[The staff realizes that everything is safe]

General: It's okay. It's all right. Come on.

Dr. Evil: Well, actually, that was just footage from the movie Independence Day, but the real laser would be a lot like that. Yeah. Scary.

General: Sir, are you suggesting that we blow up the moon?

President: Would you miss it? [to the other generals] Would you miss it?

Johnson: [notices Dr. Evil's spaceship on radar] Colonel, you better take a look at this radar.

Colonel: What is it, son?

Johnson: I don't know, sir, but it looks like a giant--

[Cut to the sky in two jets]

Jet Pilot: Dick.

Dick: Yeah?

Pilot: Take a look outta starboard.

Dick: Oh, my God! It looks like a huge-

[Cut to the forest with 2 birdwatchers]

British Bird-Watching Woman: Pecker!

British Bird-Watching Man: [raises his binoculars] Oh, where?

British Bird-Watching Woman: Wait! that's not a woodpecker. It looks like someone's-

[Cut to boot camp]

Army Sergeant: PRIVATES! We have reports of an unidentified flying object! It is a long, smooth shaft, complete with-

[Cut to the baseball game]

Umpire: 2 balls! [looks up from game] What is that? That looks just like an enormous-

[Cut to Chinese school]

Teacher: Wang! Pay attention!

Wang: I was distracted by that enormous flying-

[Cut to a concert with Willie Nelson and another guitarist]

Musician: Willie.

Willie: Yeah?

Musician: What's that?

Willie: [looks up] Well, it looks like a giant-

[Cut back to headquarters]

Colonel: Johnson!

Johnson: Yes, sir!

Colonel: Get on the horn to British Intelligence and let them know about this!

Felicity: What do you think of these, my man? [exposes her breasts to the guard]

Guard: Mommy! [rushes forward and plunges to his death in hot magma]

Austin: What a..."burn?" [laughs] That sort of thing could get a man..."fired?" [laughs] I think he was..."hot"...for...you. [laughs]

Felicity: That's enough.

Austin: Yeah.

[Felicity passes out in the gas chamber]

Dr. Evil: You may have won the battle, Mr. Powers, but you lost the war!

Austin: NO! No! No!

[Austin chases Dr. Evil who is wearing a space suit with helmet. He shoots and hits Dr. Evil in his thigh]

Austin: Gotcha!

Dr. Evil: [sits up and switches on his speaker unit] Ow! You shot me, you a-hole! [switches off his speaker unit]

Austin: And now I'm going to kill you!

Dr.Evil: [switches on his speaker unit] Before you do that - Ow! [stands up and switches to deep voice] Know this. [pause] Austin. [Heavy, Darth Vader style breathing/voice] I am your father.

Austin: Really?

Dr. Evil: [switches to normal voice] No, not really. I can't back that up.

Austin: Right. Idiot. Yes.

Dr. Evil: But isn't it interesting, Mr. Powers, that you would rather kill me than save your precious Felicity?

Austin: What do you mean?

Dr. Evil: Remember, there's a Time Portal in the main chamber. You can go back and save her.

Austin: I'll do that. [Dr. Evil laughs evilly, and Frau shoots him, but misses; he drops his gun and runs off for the Time Portal] Felicity!

[Dr. Evil, with his speaker off, mouths "Good work." to Frau, who doesn't hear him. Dr. Evil yells "Good...work!" to Frau, and is barely heard. Frau still doesn't hear him]

Dr. Evil: [turns back on his speaker, loudly] GOOD WORK! [faints; glass breaks]

Fat Bastard: [Felicity kicks him in the crotch] Oh-h-h, right in the mummy-daddy button!

Felicity: That's for calling me crap, ya fatty.

[Fat Bastard screams slowly as he falls to the ground very hard]

[As Dr. Evil escapes while picking up the floating Mini-Me]

Basil: Did we get Dr. Evil?

Johnson: No, sir. He got away in that rocket that looks like a huge-

[Cut to school]

Schoolteacher: Penis. The male reproductive organ. Also known as tally-whacker, schlong, or-

[Cut to barbecue]

Father: Wiener? Any of you kids want another wiener?

Son: [points at the rocket] Dad, what's that?

Father: I don't know, son, but it's got great big-

[Cut to the ball game]

Peanut vendor: Nuts! Hot salty nuts! Who wants some?! Lord Almighty!

Woman: That looks just like my husband's-

[Cut to the circus]

Ringmaster: One-eyed monster! Step right up and see the One-Eyed Monster!

One-eyed Monster: [jumps out and nearly surprises the crowd, then points to the rocket] Hey! What's that? It looks like a big-

[Cut elsewhere]

Female fan: Woody? Woody Harrelson? Can I have an autograph?

Woody Harrelson: Sure. No problem. [sees the rocket] Oh, my Lord! Look at that thing!

Fan: It's so big!

Woody: I've seen bigger. That's-

[Cut to Dr. Evil's rocket]

Dr. Evil: [to Mini-Me while he gives him a flu shot] Just a little prick. It's a flu shot. You've been in the coldness of space. I don't want you to get sick. It's one thing to attack me. It's quite another to attack my Mini-Me. [hands Mini-Me a lollipop] I'm gonna get you, Austin Powers. I'm gonna get you! [both he and Mini-Me laugh evilly]

[Jerry Springer presented Scott his real mother, who turns out to be Frau Farbassina]

Scott: [both shocked and surprised] Mom?

Frau: Scott, you are my love child with Dr. Evil.

Scott: I thought I was a test-tube baby.

Frau: Lies. All LIES!!!

[Springer and the audience react]

Scott: [smiles] I love you, Mom.

Frau: [teary-eyed] I love you too, son.

[They hug]

Audience: Aww.

Jerry Springer: You know, what have we learned here today? Perhaps it's that no one can take your mojo. You can look around all you want, but what you're really tryin' to find is on the inside. Take care of yourself and each other.

[Last lines]

Mustafa: [after the credits; offscreen] Hello, out there! Is the movie over?! I'm still down here, and I'm still in quite a lot of pain. Maybe someone in the lobby could call an ambulance. Oh! The pain is really quite severe. I fashioned a makeshift splint. Here goes nothing! [the splint snaps; he screams and hits the ground]

Taglines

[edit]

First he fought for the Crown. Now he's fighting for the family jewels!

I'm Back, Baby!

Double-O Behave!

The return of Dr. Evil.

The BRITISH Empire Strikes Back!

He's back, he's even bigger and he's up for it!

I'm Coming Again, Baby! [Australia]

If you see one movie in 1999, see Star Wars. But, if you see two movies, see Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me [tagline from trailer]

Cast

[edit]

Mike Myers - Austin Powers/Dr. Evil/Fat Bastard

Heather Graham - Felicity Shagwell

Elizabeth Hurley - Vanessa Kensington

Michael York - Basil Exposition

Robert Wagner - Number Two

Rob Lowe - Young Number Two

Seth Green - Scott Evil

Mindy Sterling - Frau Farbissina

Verne Troyer - Mini-Me

Charles Napier - General Hawk

Will Ferrell - Mustafa

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