SEPT&OCT00
October 30 - "I'd rather die a winner than live a loser." Napoleon Bonaparte

TRIVIA QUESTION: An early devotee of weight training while also gifted with blazing speed, he was called both "The World's Strongest Sprinter" and "The World's Fastest Shot-putter." He is considered the best football player ever to play for his school, and after being at the center of a bidding war between two rival pro leagues, he enjoyed a successful pro career, first as a runner, then as a tight end (HINT) His school's uniforms - especially the white jerseys - haven't changed a whole lot since he played there. (HINT) A long, electrifying fourth-quarter punt return gave his team the win over its arch-rival on Hallowe'en night, and was a major factor in his school's only national championship; (HINT) He became a dentist after retiring from pro football; (HINT) His son was a very good football player at Texas A & M

*********** I am officially "off the Schneid." In gin rummy, when you haven't scored yet you are "on the Schneid," in danger of being "Schneidered" - of being shut out, which means that your opponent's points will count double against you. That was the way I felt Saturday at the Hofstra-Cal Poly game in San Luis Obispo, California. My wife and I flew down to lend moral support to my friend, Joe Gardi, and another one of Joe's friends, Bruce Weber, who happens to be publisher of Scholastic Coach magazine, was kind enough to remind me that if Hofstra lost, I would be 0-2 this year (I'd been on hand for an earlier loss to Portland State) and would probably never be invited back. I didn't dare tell Bruce that I was also 0-2 with Joe when he coached the Jets and they came out and inexplicably lost to the Seahawks. Tell me I wasn't a little worried. The Hofstra kids were flat and unemotional on the sideline, and the Cal Poly Mustangs, despite having had 63 points put on them last week by Cal Davis, a Division II club (although, it should be said, the number-two ranked Division II team), had fire in their eyes. Mustangs' Coach Larry Welsh, his club hit hard by injuries, managed to cobble together a defense with just one healthy linebacker that held Hofstra scoreless in the first half and held a 3-0 halftime lead. Hofstra struck back on the first play of the second half as Trevor Dimmie ran 73 yards for a score, but Cal Poly was back in the lead in less than four minutes, thanks to a gutsy 4th-and-1 reverse that went for 36 yards. After three quarters, the Mustangs led, 23-9. I didn't know what to say to Joe, and Bruce was giving me smart-ass looks, and I began to slink into the background, hiding among the players. And then, as if someone flipped an electric switch, the whole sideline came to life. And Hofstra ran up three straight touchdowns to go up by 30-23. And then, doggone if Cal Poly, which should have folded at that point, didn't come back with a drive of their own, to tie the game at 30-30 with 2:03 to play. The tying score came on a pass from Mustangs' QB Seth Burford, who impressed me all day with his arm, his resourcefulness and his toughness, to sophomore wide receiver Kissim Osgood. (Osgood, who is 6-6, 200, caught a school-record 15 passes for 164 yards Saturday, including two TDs. He is a player. Watch him.) So Hofstra took the kickoff and drove into field goal range, thanks to the clutch passing and running of QB Rocky Butler and the shifty running of Dimmie, who rushed for 235 yards. With the ball on the Cal Poly 27 and 0:08 showing on the clock, Hofstra kicker Chad Johnson had to stand around for what seemed like five minutes while Cal Poly called three straight time outs to ice him, but then, when he had to, he popped it through. Now, you know how much I hate the idea of the preemptive, last-second field goal that ends so many pro games, but - IT WENT THROUGH! IT WAS GOOD! I WAS OFF THE SCHNEID! I COULD COME TO MORE HOFSTRA GAMES! Does this make me a man of wishy-washy principles? Lord, I hope not.

*********** Be still, my beating heart. The Oakland Raiders thrilled a nationwide TV audience Sunday evening by defeating the San Diego Chargers, 15-13, without scoring a touchdown. The Chargers scored two touchdowns, but under the outdated scoring system still employed by the NFL, that is offset by five field goals, which as we all know are what teams settle for when they don't have the offense - or the stones - to go for touchdowns.

*********** I'm glad I like the Oregon Ducks. I'm also glad I'm not Arizona State coach Bruce Snyder. I think I would have had a difficult time explaining why, after scoring in second overtime to pull with 56-55, I decided to fake the PAT and throw for two. (ASU missed the conversion, and the Ducks won)... Josh Heupel, who didn't do anything vastly different against Nebraska than he'd been doing all year, shot to the front of my Heisman race... What a shame that Deuce McAllister of Ole Miss had to hurt that ankle this year. He could have won the Heisman. Oh, well. He'll still probably be the first guy drafted. He was held out of Saturday's homecoming game against UNLV, which went into overtime. But after UNLV kicked a field goal in the top half of the first overtime, in he came, and powered the Rebels (Ole Miss, not UNLV) to victory... Question: has any Alabama coach ever lost to Southern Mississippi and Central Florida in the same year, and come back for another year? We're about to find out... It may shock you to learn that Penn State still has a shot at a bowl game... Damn! Just when I thought we'd knocked Florida State out of it, there stand Miami, Florida State and Florida in places three, four and five... Can beat USC. I thought it was somethjing of a shock, until I read that Cal has beaten USC three straight, and three times in a row in the Coliseum. Cal is also 5-1 over USC and UCLA over the last three years...

*********** I find it incongruous that coach Mike Price at Washington State usually has his players dressed in tuxedoes for their mug shots in the media guide, then lets them travel dressed the way I saw them in the Portland airport Friday, coming in for their game at Oregon State. If they had played for one of the semi-pro teams I've coached, I'd have sent them home to change.

*********** With a few exceptions ("sure" is pronounced "shirr"; "hock" and "hawk" are synonymous, as are "air" and "error"), the Northwest accent is generally bland and undistinquished. But I do look forward to Hallowe'en and hearing people talk about "Hahnted Houses," full of "Whores." (Horrors)

*********** "President Clinton received a report that there were over 100,000 cattle guards in Colorado. Because Colorado ranchers had protested his proposed changes in grazing policies, he ordered Secretary of Interior Bruce Babbitt to fire half of the guards immediately. Before Babbitt could respond, and presumably straighten him out, Colorado's congresswoman Pat Schroeder intervened with a request that before any were fired, they be given six months of retraining." Mark Shoup, associate editor, Kansas Wildlife and Parks Magazine (Uh, don't know if this story is true or not, but the joke here is that a "cattle guard," common to the wide open spaces of the West, where cattle tend to roam widely in search of grass., is not a person. There is no need to "retrain" one. A cattle guard is a grid of metal pipes laid across a pit in an access road to a main highway; cars and trucks are able to drive across the bridge of pipes and onto the Interstate, which is a good place for cars and trucks; cattle learn to fear stepping between the pipes and getting their feet caught, and so they wisely stay off the Interstate, which is definitely not a good place for them.)

*********** A LITTLE COMMENT ON "COACH" NEIL LOMAX, FORMER NFL QB, CAUGHT TRYING TO FUDGE THE WEIGH-IN BEFORE A YOUTH GAME (NEWS - Oct 23) "Coach - Having been on the receiving end of a cheater, this is a topic that hits close to home. Those of us that try hard to win by doing the right thing, i.e playing all the kids, preparing, scouting, learning this thing "we call the double wing", it strikes right at the core of the values that I try to espouse. Sorry if I am making a big deal about this but to have an NFL guy do this to a fellow youth coach is just not right. Lastly, as always, you may use whatever you want from our emails regarding Lomax (the cheat)." John Torres, Manteca, California

*********** Scott Barnes, in Rockwall, Texas, put me onto a great article in the Dallas News about "25 great games." And then the sonuvagun asked me about my list.

And I had to say that I can't do those things because I would have to sit down with somebody and bounce ideas off him. It's like whenever I read about some celebrity's favorite songs, or foods, or places to go - I think how glad I am I don't have to come up with those things. How would I decide? Often, other than home, my favorite place is where I am at the moment. My favorite game is the one I'm coaching or the one I'm watching. Maybe with a couple of other guys, between the two or three of us we could come up with a list of favorite games, or maybe having my memory jogged I could come up with a list of my own.

Somehow, though, I don't think I could list a game I hadn't seen, heard, or at least read about the next day - such as Notre Dame-Army in 1928, which appears on the Dallas News' list. Not that there aren't quite a few oldies that I'd like to see. I still watch football with the idea that maybe the game I'm watching right now will turn out to be one of the best I've ever seen. I think that's the major reason why I seldom watch pro football - because there's just no chance that it'll be an unforgettable game - instead, it'll just be another long series of commercials with occasional peeks at same-old, same-old football plays, played either indifferently or with great show-biz flair by guys who are only out to glorify themselves.

*********** It was hardly worth the effort to pass it. The 26th Amendment gave 18-year-olds the right to vote. High schools make a great effort to register new voters, and liberal social studies teachers work feverishly to indoctrinate them. And in the last presidential election, only 32.4 per cent of voters 18 to 24 turned out (compared with 67 per cent of those 65 and over). Just as well. They went heavily for Clinton, probably because he played the saxophone on Arsenio and told them he wore boxers.

*********** A woman named Heather Mac Donald has some harsh things to say about American education. Most of them are right on. In her book, "The Burden of Bad Ideas: How Modern Intellectuals Misshape our Society," she really gets after the school-of-education drones who would have us believe that you don't need to know anything so long as you know how to teach, and the kids don't need to learn anything, either, so long as they feel good about themselves and feel that what they're doing is "relevant" to their lives. She devotes a chapted entitled, "Why Johnny's Teacher Can't Teach" to an indictment of today's liberal teacher-training programs, that she says "can be summed up in the phrase: Anything But Knowledge. The early decades of this century, " she wrote, "forged the central educational fallacy of our time: that one can think without having anything to think about." She accuses educators of being desperate to show sensitivity to minority students, to the point of ignoring their academic and moral education in favor of subjects created merely so they can do well; she writes of one school in Brooklyn where the kids occupy their time "studying" graffiti and "deejaying," and writing rap lyrics.

*********** "As Coach Castro (head coach) said, I am getting this Double Wing offense down to a science. Not that it is that difficult. 88SP, 88SP, 47-C, TOUCHDOWN! Or sometimes it's 88SP, TOUCHDOWN! In the fourth quarter I love to throw the 3 CHARLIE in there. My wife, who runs the camera, has trouble picking that one up never mind the kids on the field. We have thrown the TIGHT RIP - STOP - 77 SPECIAL POWER (Page 59 in the playbook) in and it works like a charm. The Franklin County Panthers had four players stacked out wide to stop the 88SP. Our A Back started in motion and you could see all four of them coming up. The A Back stops, takes the pitch and goes the other way with five blockers out in front of him. TOUCHDOWN! We are not making any friends with this offense but we are sure having a lot of fun. Thanks, Coach Doug Aiken, Roanoke, Virginia"

*********** "Coach. my entire youth team went and saw Remember the Titans last week. All 25 of them (13-14 year old boys) love the movie. Of course now when we run in a grid they think they can sing. The Back Street Boys have nothing to worry about. We have spent some of our time talking about different parts of the movie. It has been a good history and life lesson for them." Don Hodson- rdding, California (Remember a couple of weeks ago when I mentioned what terrific jobs coaches Mike Dubose of Alabama and Tom Holmoe of Cal had done in rallying their players when things were looking grim? Turns out both coaches attribute the upswing in their players' attitudes to taking their teams to watch "Remember the Titans.")

*********** Several Oregon State players have had shoes come off this season. So "spat" them - tape them on, right? Duh. Oh. I see. Nike won't allow them to cover up the Swoosh. Now, wouldn't you think that a company that employs nuclear physicists to design high-tech shoes for khayakers would figure out a way around this problem, short of paying a coach obscene amounts of money to tell his players not to tape over their shoes?

*********** You never know where a great educational idea is going to come from, although you can usually be sure that it won't come from an "educator" (hate that word). A citizen named Bernie Constantine wrote to the Portland Oregonian on the subject of a proposal linking teachers' pay to students' performance. He said that the proposal is wrong to blame teachers: "If a child does not perform well in school," he wrote, "then the parents should pay a higher state income tax, since they are placing a larger burden our our school system."

*********** I don't know what to make of the coming trend toward making little painted, perfumed sissies of our boys. I was brought up in the days when you went to the barber shop every two weeks, and when your turn came, you sat in the chair while a guy named Dom or Vince laid his clippers up against the side of your skull and went cruising.

We were raised not to trust a "pretty boy," defined as any guy who spent an excessive amount of time on his appearance. You only spent any time in front of a mirror if you had a pimple that needed inspection.

The pretty boys didn't play usually sports, so we pretty much ignored them. Even now, as a result of my upbringing, I'm suspicious of a guy who takes a lot of pride in his looks. (A certain President of the United States hasn't done anything to lessen those suspicions.)

So from my point of view, what's happening to our young guys today is positively scary. A full 35 per cent of Tommy Hilfiger's beauty care products are sold to males. "Guys today are so much more involved in things only women used to do," Terry Darland, vice-president of Hilfiger's toiletries division told the Wall Street Journal.

Research by MH-18, a magazine for pretty boys (I don't know what else to call them), made the interesting discovery that its readers wanted more perfume ads with "scent strips."

Hair coloring for boys is huge. At a Clairol display at this summer's Gravity Games in Providence, Rhode Island, so many boys showed up to have their hair bleached that the company's booth ran out of water. Boys in some places pay as much as $95 for a "cut and color." Many of them go for a "shoeshine," in which the hair stylist colors just the tips of their hair.

The Journal cited as an example a 17-year-old kid from Plainfield, New Jersey who colors his hair with L'Oreal dyes, and uses gel on his hair so it sticks up in front, "depending on my mood."

According to The Journal, he spends an hour "getting ready" every morning. And then, no doubt, he strolls in late to first period. And says he didn't have time to do his homework.

October 27 - "All kickers are like pole vaulters. They are all about half insane." Spike Dykes

*********** "Coach, We won the first play off game in the history of our school last night. Trailing 14-10 with 3 minutes to play we stopped our opponent on the 10 yard line. We then drove the ball 90 yards in 2:30 and scored with 27 seconds remaining on a play we call I right 88 toss reach. You may notice we had 10 which means we kicked a field goal. It was our first attempt of the season and only the second attempt in the three years I have been head coach. Fortunately we made it. It was great to walk out on the field during a timeout with 30 seconds left and facing 4th and 6 and look my kids in the eyes and see the fire burning and hear them say "coach let us run 88 toss reach we will get it". Not only did we get the 6 we got 16 and a touchdown. Thank you for the system and the website. I don't know if 3 play off appearances in three years and the first play off win in school history have convinced the community but our staff and players believe and that is the important thing. Thank You, Keith Lehne" - Grantsburg High School, Grantsburg, Wisconsin

*********** The term "standing room only" is at least as old as the practice of charging admission to sports events, but the Louisiana High School Athletic Association, governing body of that state's high school athletics, intends to make the phrase obsolete. Last June, without a lot of notice by the news media, the LHSAA passed a rule prohibiting anyone from standing in a gymnasium while a basketball game is in progress. Officials have been instructed to hold up play, if necessary, until everyone is seated.

There are the usual arguments about avoiding liability in case of injury, but the rule seems to have come about because of a playoff game last year in which the crowd spilled onto the court during play. Players were forced to in-bound the ball while standing inside the end lines, and there were accusations that at one point a fan helped keep the ball from going out of bounds, directing it to a particular player.

Needless to say, this will hit some schools hard. In the pocket book, that is. Small schools with small gyms routinely pack 'em in for big games, presumably with the permission of the local fire marshal, and the gate revenue from football and basketball is often the only thing that keeps their athletic programs going.

*********** "Our 14 year old team that runs the Double-Wing is 4-0. Our twelve year old team is 3-1. What is funny is that our 11 year old team didn't run this offense all preseason and were shut out in two games; still wouldn't make the change and were shut out their first regular season game; made the change, won three in a row, and are sitting at 3-1. We have three teams that run it - our combined record is 10-1-1. The four teams that don't run it - their combined record is 2-14. Do I need to say any more? Take Care, Pat Pimmel, St. Charles, Missouri"

*********** I had a good look at the inside of a $279-a-night room in the Las Vegas Four Seasons Hotel last weekend. I was 28 years old before I made $279 a week. I didn't say I stayed in the room. I could have got a reduced rate of $219 for a while, but I was late in deciding that I would attend a team reunion in Las Vegas, and by the time I made up my mind, the price was back up to $279 or so. Hello, Motel 6. Actually, I stayed at a very nice casino-resort called Mandalay Bay, which adjoins the Four Seasons, and I was able to get close enough to scout out the Four Seasons. For those of you who plan on earning football coach's wages the rest of your lives, this is what you will miss out on: the first thing you will notice is the lead edge of the roll of toilet paper, carefully folded so that it comes to a point. (At least that's the way it is when you first enter the room. I suppose that having housekeeping come up and re-fold it after every use costs extra.) The face towels are cleverly folded so that they form little pockets, and the wash cloths are folded accordion-style, then tucked into those little pockets. The shower soap comes in boxes, not cheesy little wrappers. Housekeeping stops by in the evening and turns the bed down for you. When you call the front desk, they address you by name. And, best of all, there is a restaurant where a breakfast of two eggs, hash browns, sausage links, juice, coffee and toast - one that will set you back all of $6.00 at Neder's in Washougal, Washington (where the old retired guys meet on Saturday mornings to dissect the local football coach) - will set you back $18.00. I ordered my eggs over easy and they were delicious.

*********** Forget about the AP College Poll, USA Today Coaches' Poll, the BCS formula and all that crap. There is one poll, and only one poll, that is based on cold, hard logic, and that is the Oddsmakers' Poll, found only, so far as I know, in the Las Vegas Review-Journal. It claims to be "a nonbiased poll of various sports book directors (a "sports book", legal only in Nevada, is a section of a casino in which people can place bets of all sorts and sizes on horse races and most popular sports), their in-house linesmakers (the people who initially determine what the spread will be between two teams in order to get the most betting going on both teams) and sports book managers throughout the state, various oddsmakers utilized by the sports book industry and licensed international sports books. Just like the AP, the Oddsmaker's Poll ranks Nebraska Number One. From that point on, though, there are big changes: Oklahoma is #2 in the AP, but #5 in the Oddsmakers. Virginia Tech is #2 in the Oddsmakers' Poll, and Florida State is back up there at #3. Michigan is #10 in the Oddsmakers' Poll, five places higher than in the AP. Southern Mississippi is #11, three places higher than the AP. Washington, TCU and South Carolina drop 5, 4 and 3 places lower, respectively, than they are in the AP. Texas is up in 17th place, five places higher than the AP. Auburn and Northwestern are off the list; Tennessee and Texas A & M are on.

*********** Talk about October surprises! Vince Tobin was let go by the St. Louis Cardinals. Tobin was 9-7 just two years ago - the only winning record Arizona has had since moving to the desert in 1988 - but he's 2-5 this year. He was let go because in two weeks, the voters in Maricopa County (metropolitan Phoenix) are going to be asked to come up with $331 million for a new stadium so that the Cardinals can make more money so that they can pay the players more money so that they can win more games so that they can justify higher ticket prices so that they can make make more money so that they can pay the players more money, etc., etc. Presumably, firing Tobin was considered the Cardinals' way of showing voters how serious they are about providing Phoenix with a winner.

*********** Didn't I tell you the fans at Oregon State would start to get spoiled? They're already whining because tomorrow's game against Washington State has been moved to 7:15 PM so that it can be televised. Uh, folks - maybe you'd prefer the not-so-old days when the Beavs couldn't find a win this side of Division I-AA, and instead of a sold-out stadium you could get all the tickets you wanted - at a discount, yet - and they never had to take the padlock off the door to the TV announcers' booth up in the press box.

*********** I don't know whether this was written seriously, and I don't want to be a party to taking shots at a fellow Yalie, but Skip Bayless of the Chicago Tribune was writing about Bears' coach Dick Jauron's post-game press conference last Sunday, and as he tells the story, a reporter asks Coach Jauron if he's sure he know what he's doing. Jauron answers, "No, but I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night."

*********** STRAIGHT FROM VEGAS!!!! WINNER WYATT'S HOT PICKS!!! THIS WEEKEND'S MORTAL LOCK: UNLV at Ole Miss. Take the Rebels.

*********** QUESTION: What do Arizona State, UCLA, Colorado State, Iowa State, Georgia Tech, LSU, Southern Cal, East Carolina, Alabama, Pitt, West Virginia, Stanford, Texas Tech, Arkansas, Illinois, Boston College, Indiana, Syracuse, Penn State, Mississippi, Michigan State, Kansas, Air Force, Virginia have in common? ANSWER: They are 24 Division I-A teams that the Sagarin Football Rankings listed below Delaware, the top-ranked Division I-AA club, this week. Now, nothing against Delaware, a very good club that I have seen on videotape, but let's get serious for a minute - Delaware over Alabama? Delaware over Michigan State? Delaware, for that matter, over any of those clubs? Good as Delaware is, I doubt that there are too many kids on the Delaware team who were recruited seriously by any of those 24 Division I-A schools.

*********** Albert Gore's daughter was in Washington the other day, and proudly announced that she could name the capital of the state. Said she knew it was Seattle. She was sure proud of herself for knowing that fact. 'Cept it's Olympia.

*********** Central Bucks West High, of Doylestown, Pennsylvania, tied their own school's state record of 53 straight wins last Friday night with a 49-0 trouncing of Levittown's Harry S. Truman High. The Bucks, three-time defending class 4A (largest) state champions, outgained Truman 438 yards to 98 in total offense, and held Truman to three first downs while racking up 22. Tonight they go for a new state record 54, breaking an earlier C.B. West streak set between 1984 and 1989. This week, the opponent is tougher: Pennsbury comes in with a 6-2 record. "I'll be glad to see Pennsbury," C.B. West Coach Mike Carey told the Philadelphia Inquirer's Frank Bertucci after last week's game. "They'll be 6-2, and my team rises to that type of challenge."

*********** "Coach- Just wanted to let you know that we just finished our season 8-0 (the first time ever.) We outscored teams 214-49. Our two year record with this offense is 11-5. If you recall the team we took over went 2-6 the year before. I have to tell you this offensive system had a great deal to do with our success. Our team was made up of average players, but, in my opinion, the fact that we have so many people at the point of attack allowed us to get 5 yards a play. Our kids took pride in their game and I preached all year that we may face teams with one or two superstars, but, they couldn't stop our 11 on the field. We had long drives all year. The kids enjoyed playing in this offense.

"A funny story about our last game against our cross town rivals. The defensive coach who is a good friend of mine spent hours on your site trying to figure out how to stop us. All week we heard that he had the secret on how to stop us. Well we scored 37 points, had our first team on the bench the entire fourth quarter and scored with our 2nd and 3rd teamers. I can only imagine what the score would have been if they didn't know how to stop us. I'm a firm believer that it's "not the X's and O's, it's the Jimmys and Joes", but if those kids understand the offense and believe in it, it sure is fun to watch. Coach, I'm looking forward to your next video or clinic. Thanks again. By the way, the varsity team is 6-2." Joe Cantafio, Head JV Coach, West Seneca West HS, West Seneca NY

CELEBRITY WATCH

FOR GORE FOR BUSH

Jack Nicholson

Tommy LaSorda

Rob Reiner

Dale Earnhardt

Steven Spielberg

Ted Williams

Barbra Streisand

Roger Staubach

Warren Beatty

Neil Armstrong

Leonardo DiCaprio

Nolan Ryan

Kevin Costner

Chuck Norris

Michael Douglas

Arnold Schwarzenegger

Tom Hanks

Bo Schembechler

Dennis Miller

Dick Vermeil

Carl Lewis

Joe Paterno

Shaquille O'Neal

Lee Iacocca

Candice Bergen

Charles Schwab

Elton John

Hank Williams, Jr.

Sharon Stone

Ben Crenshaw

Harrison Ford

Chris Evert

*********** My world is collapsing all around me. Where have all my heroes gone? Now Darryl Strawberry has just come out and admitted using drugs.

*********** John Dillon, a Double-Wing coach in Greeley, Colorado, wrote to tell me that he was under the impression that his team, the Kersey Cougars, had tied for his league's title, but was informed at the league meeting Tuesday night that the two teams would playoff tomorrow for first and second place. As he said, "How American." I told him to be grateful that at least they will get to settle it on the field. I know of numerous places where a tie between two or more teams, only one of which can go to the playoffs, is settled by a coin toss between administrators.

*********** You guys who are at the mercy of the computer and have to sit around waiting to see whether it awards you enough points to qualify for the playoffs will understand. Coach Mike Emery at Fitch High, in Groton, Connecticut has done just about everything a Double-Wing coach can do to convince people that his kids are good. Fitch is the defending state class L (Large) champion, and in six games so far this season, Fitch has outscored opponents 333-30. (That's an average score of 55-5.) Fitch has scored 50 points or more in five game. The closest game has been a 44-16 nailbiter. For several weeks now, Fitch has been ranked Number One in the statewide polls. So the trouble is not convincing people. It's the computer. The computer currently ranks Fitch fifth in its class. Go figure.

TO MY READERS: Demands on my time have made it necessary for me to change my publication schedule. (Basically, I'm just not getting anything else done.) So beginning today, I will be publishing new "NEWS" every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. I don't believe you will notice any significant difference in the overall amount of material there is to read. The TIPS will still be updated on approximately a weekly basis, the Winner's Circle will still be updated whenever fresh information becomes available, and I will continue to provide new and additional features. Hugh Wyatt

October 25 - "The only intangible factor we have remaining in athletics today is what I can do to make my athletes want to win with a greater desire and a longer state of mind than yours." Tony Mason, former Arizona coach

TO MY READERS: Demands on my time have made it necessary for me to change my publication schedule. (Basically, I'm just not getting anything else done.) So beginning today, I will be publishing new "NEWS" every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. I don't believe you will notice any significant difference in the overall amount of material there is to read. The TIPS will still be updated on approximately a weekly basis, the Winner's Circle will still be updated whenever fresh information becomes available, and I will continue to provide new and additional features. Hugh Wyatt

TRIVIA ANSWER: #36 is the great running back Marion Motley, and #14 is the equally-great quarterback, Otto Graham. Both men helped to make the Cleveland Browns of the late 1940's and 1950's one of the greatest dynasties in the history of pro football. Motley is especially interesting because he was the forerunner of the modern fullback. At a time when there were still 180-pounders running the ball, and 220-pound linemen were commonplace, Motley was a solid 240 pounds, and he had a sprinter's speed. It was with Motley at fullback that Browns' coach Paul Brown developed and popularized the "draw" play that is now a standard feature of any passing team. Motley was 27 years old at the end of World War II, and with a family to support, had taken a job in a mill in his native Canton, Ohio. He had played only one year at the University of Nevada prior to the War, and hadn't played enough service ball to be noticed by pro scouts, but Brown, who had coached against Motley's Canton McKinley High while at archrival Massillon High, remembered him well. "Motley became our greatest fullback ever," Brown would later write in his autbiography,"because not only was he a great runner, but also no one ever blocked better - and no one ever cared more about his team and whether it won or lost, no matter how many yards he gained or where he was asked to run...Marion's tremendous running ability also was what made our trap and draw plays so effective. When he ran off tackle, people seemed to fly off him in all directions. He possessed tremendous speed for a big man, and he could run away from linebackers and defensive backs when he got into the open - if he didn't trample them first. I've always believed that Motley could have gone into the Hall of Fame solely as a linebacker if we had used him only at that position. He was as good as our great ones." (Thanks to Paul Brown's signing of such gifted black football players as Marion Motley, Len Ford and Bill Willis, the Cleveland Browns were the first truly integrated team in all of professional sports. "I never considered football players black or white," Brown wrote, " nor did I keep or cut a player just because of his color. In our first meeting before training camp every year, I told the players that they made our teams only if they were good enough. I didn't care about a man's color or his ancestry; I just wanted to win football games with the best people possible.")

IDENTIFIED BY: David Crump- Owensboro, Kentucky ("Being a life long Cleveland Brown fan I definitely know these two hall of fame greats. I in fact met these two gentlemen when I was a boy. My dad was a Browns fan and he would get tickets several times a year and take us to see the Browns play in Municipal stadium. This was when pro players were real people and you could talk to them and get an autograph without having to pay them. The two men are Marion Motley and Otto Graham. Two of the best ever!")... Bill Mignault- Ledyard, Connecticut ("36 is Marion Motley and 14 is Otto Graham Cleveland Browns. I got to know Otto real well when he was coaching at the US Coast Guard Academy.")... Adam Wesoloski- De Pere, Wisconsin ("#36 Marion Motley - also wore #76, played FB and some LB - #14 Otto Graham - also wore #60, QB, 10 championships in 10 seasons - Wasn't he a single wing TB at Northwestern?")... Dennis Metzger - Connersville, Indiana ("Otto Graham--perhaps the "Best" Qb ever. I don't know if anyone won more championships then he did and Marion Motley, runnung back. Both played for Paul Brown and the Cleveland Browns. They were an expansion team in an expansion league and when they joined the NFL the competed and won.")... Tom Hensch- Staten Island, New York... John Reardon- Peru, Illinois (#14 is Otto Graham and #36 is Marion Motley of the Cleveland Browns. My high school coach, Joe Skibinski, played as a guard for one of the teams with Graham.")... Mark Kaczmarek- Davenport, Iowa... Bert Ford- Los Angeles... Kevin McCullough- Lakeville, Indiana... Mike O'Donnell- Pine City, Minnesota... Joe Bremer- West Seneca, New York... Ron Timson- Umatilla, Florida... Lou Orlando- Sudbury, Massachusetts

(Most of the photos I have seen show Motley wearing #76 and Graham #60. This photo above is dated either 1952 or 1953, when the Browns would have been full-fledged members of the NFL for at least two years, and it is possible that the NFL had managed to get the Browns to conform to league policy, which was edging toward today's standardized numbering - although great Lions' QB Bobby Layne still wore 22.)

*********** Isn't it amusing how quick baseball players are to fight? Betcha a lot of them are the same guys who back in high school didn't play football for fear they'd get hurt. Seems any time somebody does something to a player that shows disrespect, someone somewhere presses a buzzer, and like firemen sliding down the pole, the players pour out of their dugouts. (Is there anything dumber looking than a baseball "fight?") Now, how is it that football players can show such restraint, while these turkeys have to charge the mound whenever a pitcher throws the ball a little close? Mike Piazza shows a little professional restraint and doesn't beat the crap out of Roger Clemens, as he should have, and what happens? His tough-guy teammates bad-mouth him in the news media, saying that he should have fought.#36

Just in case you don't think I go back a way with the Double-Wing, I want you to look at this photo very carefully. Tell me if it looks a little familiar. Yes, the B-Back is a little deeper than I like, and the wingbacks are in three-point stances, in the manner of Don Markham. but they're not turned in, and although you can't tell from here, the line splits are a little wider, and the linemen seem to have their weight a bit forward. But we could straighten all that out if we had to. If we could. It's the Yale team of 1960, the first unbeaten Yale team since 1923, and one of only two Ivy teams since 1960 (Dartmouth, in 1970, was the other) to be ranked in the Top 25. Among eastern teams, only Navy's Orange Bowl team ranked higher. I just got back from Las Vegas and the 40th reunion of that team. I wasn't on it - I had graduated the year before - but the guys from that team were gracious enough to invite the class ahead of them. There were more than 30 guys there, from four different classes - including the captain from each of the classes (Yale tradition specifies only one captain) - and 15 of the senior members of that team. (The team was so senior-dominated that the next year's media guide featured a photo of a formation made up of 10 empty helmets and the one returnee from 1960's team.) The photo came from the personal memorabilia of our late coach, Jordan Olivar, whose son, Harry, was a classmate and teammate. It was one of the main formations Coach Olivar used that year, but the base of the attack was the belly-option - Coach Olivar was one of the foremost experts on the belly series - built around the inside running of fullback Bob Blanchard, at that time one of the biggest fullbacks in the country at 6-2, 225, and the option running and play-action passing of quarterback Tom Singleton, who would go on to star for the Quantico Marines. The wingbacks, Lou Muller on the left and Ken Wolfe on the right, were small but excellent runners and receivers and, of course, good blockers. (Backfield coach Jerry Neri used to teach by asking questions. He would frequently say, "If you don't block, you don't what?" We were all expected to answer, "Play.") At left guard is Ben Balme, who made All-American that year, and at left tackle is Mike Pyle, team captain, who would go on to be center and captain of the Chicago Bears. An interesting fact about the team is that six of the starters (that was still the era of two-way football) were from the Chicago area. Three, in fact, were from New Trier High School. In those days alumni were still able to get involved in recruiting, and the Chicago area alumni, especially one named Bob Anderson, were, shall we say, "heavily involved."

*********** Last weekend was really my first visit of any length to Las Vegas - previously, I'd only made connections at the airport. The airport itself is about what you'd expect of las Vegas - slots in the airport concourses, and Rich Little and Robert Goulet telling you to keep to the right on the moving walkways. A billboard on a wall in the airport says, "Elvis has left the building... we now have a vacancy in our schools." The ad's paid for by the Las Vegas Schools, and do they have a vacancy. Or 200. Las Vegas has grown 60 per cent in the last decade, making it the fastest-growing metro area in the US. That's a lot of new schools and a lot of new teachers every year, in case you happen to be a teacher looking for work.

*********** A lot of stories came out of the 1960 Yale team reunion in Vegas last weekend, but one of the most amazing concerned Ben Balme. He played his high school ball at Grant High in Portland, Oregon, and was a quiet, hard-working kid whom everyone admired. His senior year, his pre-med major required hours of lab work, and every Wednesday, a team manager would have to borrow one of the school's station wagons and drive several miles, with Ben's equipment in the back, to pick him up after a chemistry lab. Ben would change into football gear along the way and arrive halfway through practice. Nonetheless, he made All-American. He lasted with the Philadelphia Eagles, defending NFL champions, until he came down with a mysterious illness and his weight dropped from 228 to 210, and he was the last man cut. And then he got serious and went to medical school at Yale. And when he'd got out and served his internship and residency, he volunteered to serve in a M*A*S*H unit in Viet Nam, and he was on duty when they wheeled in a young Marine named Watts Humphrey, a former Yale football player whose arm had been shattered by grenade fragments. Ben, a lover of the outdoors, established a practice as an orthopedic surgeon in the hunting and fishing paradise of Klamath Falls, Oregon and has remained there since.

*********** "Coach, I enjoy your column online, and I am a supporter of not only the double-wing, but also the right-wing (get it?). I have a good friend who runs the double-wing at a high school here in Ontario, CA, (Chaffey High) and he is finally getting the respect he deserves from his fellow teachers and coaches. They have won their last two games by scores of 40-0 and 28-14. They did lose their first 4, as they adjusted to the schemes, and they also played schools a lot bigger than themselves, but they were not league games, so they won't have a bearing on playoff chances.

"Anyway, kudos to you for your very correct stance on women being involved in men's athletics. I am only 24, but I am a Christian, and a very conservative one at that. I believe in the roles that woman and men are supposed to play in our society, and they do not include (for women) place-kicking for a NCAA Division 1 team. However, a recent news story on TV down here may interest you. A local high school (when I say local, I mean So. California) has a problem with a boy trying out for the women's field hockey team. It seems that they do not think it appropriate for a boy to be on the same team with a bunch of girls. While personally I don't think so, either, I do find it poetic justice that he is making such an attempt, in light of the recent Heather Sue incident. The CIF (California's governing sports body) has so far denied his attempts to join this team, and he has filed an appeal with them. It seems there is no boy's field hockey team, so he may have a legitimate gripe. Ironically, he is about the same size or smaller than most of the girls I saw him practicing with on TV. He almost looks like a girl from the backside, as they showed him running down the field. I will keep you posted (if interested) of the results of this 'controversy.'" David Henson (I am opposed in principle to men playing in women's sports, but the Heather Sue Mercer decision and the opinions expressed by that Lopiano woman have convinced me that we need to put our beliefs aside temporarily; that allowing boys to overrun girls' sports may be necessary to bring the equality-at-all-costs feminists back to the bargaining table.)

*********** Credit Where It's Due Department. Maybe Rashard Casey, Penn State's quarterback, does belong in jail. But maybe Bill Clinton does, too, and one thing is for sure - Clinton, while he's been on the loose, has never done anything comparable to what Casey did Saturday against Illinois, turning what appeared to be an aborted pitch-out play into a 39-yard yard touchown, in possibly the greatest single athletic feat I've ever seen on a football field.

*********** Field Goal Patrol: In the NFL games of this past Sunday and Monday, there were 44 field goals attempted, and 38 made. That's an excitement index of 14. (The excitement index is obtained by subtracting the percentage of accuracy from 100 - the lower the percentage of field goals made, the greater the excitement.) The average NBA field goal attempt, based on last year's league-wide 81 per cent average, rates 19 on the excitement scale, which means that an NBA free throw is more exciting, more suspenseful, than an NFL field goal. Only Denver missed more than one field goal. (Start packin', Jason.) In 10 of the games, there were no missed field goals. Sadly, there was not a single game in which no field goal was attempted. Now here's one for those of you who would like to join me in ridding football of placekickers: in nine of the 13 games played Sunday and Monday, the losing team attempted more field goals than the winning team. Moral: weenies kick field goals; winners score touchdowns.

*********** Remember what I wrote about Vick, Dantzler and Crouch? Can I do that over? I need to make room in there for Antwaan Randle El. The QB from Indiana is an offense in himself. He can run and he can pass. But that's not all. Last week, after Minnesota scored to pull within reach of the Hoosiers at the end of the game, the Gophers' onside kick was recovered by - Antwaan Randle El. Talk about stones!

*********** "Coach, For the first time in my coaching career - Playoffs!. We found out last Sunday. We have clinched a spot no matter what happens this final Friday. Hosting a playoff game and winning a co-league championship are still possibilities. Thanks for the support and advice throughout the last three years." Marc Gibson, Brookville, Ohio

*********** Still don't know what to get for those hard-to-buy-a-gift-for persons on your list? Your Christmas shopping problems are solved! Get 'em the Hip Hop Hall of Fame Board Game, created at the actual Hip Hop Hall of Fame (betcha didn't even know there was one) by some of the good folks there (betcha didn't know there were any of them, either). By answering questions, Trivial Pursuit fashion, players work their way around the board and up the career path from "Unsigned Artist (not sure "artist" is the right word to be using)" to "Hall-of-Famer." There are numerous pitfalls along the way, including "Scandals," "Hard Times," "Groupies," and "Lawsuits." Presumably, "Hard Times" would include ambushes by rival rappers. Or threatened suspensions by the Commissioner of the NBA. Buy your copy now on the Web at www.hhhof.com

*********** "Just finished watching Boston Public. GIVE ME A BREAK! WWF is more realistic!" Kyle Wagner, Edmonton, Alberta

TO MY READERS: Demands on my time have made it necessary for me to change my publication schedule. (Basically, I'm just not getting anything else done.) So beginning today, I will be publishing new "NEWS" every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. I don't believe you will notice any significant difference in the overall amount of material there is to read. The TIPS will still be updated on approximately a weekly basis, the Winner's Circle will still be updated whenever fresh information becomes available, and I will continue to provide new and additional features. Hugh Wyatt

October 20 - "A star can win any game; a team can win every game."Jack Ramsay, Hall of Fame basketball coach

*********** I am not impressed with the growing practice of "extending" the ball, in which a ball carrier (usually a receiver) who is headed out of bounds near the goal line reaches out with the ball in one hand and tries to touch the corner pylon and thereby, on a technicality, "cross the goal line." Or on a quarterback sneak, the QB extends his arms to try to penetrate the plane. I have seen more than one QB have the ball batted loose, and on Saturday an Oregon receiver tried the "touch the pylon" stunt as he went out of bounds at the USC one, but instead of giving his team the ball in scoring position, he fumbled out of the end zone and gave USC a touchback. I mean, what kind of a farce is this, when every part of a guy's body is headed out of bounds a full yard short of the goal line, and he reaches out with one hand and taps the top of the pylon and "scores?" Officials must hate the play. I think a modification of the rules is necessary to require that some part of the body other than the hand must cross the goal line ahead of the ball.

*********** A judge in southern Oregon ruled that a school must reinstate a high school kid who was removed as student body president because of a drug offense. The kid and his parents, who seem to share our President's lack of shame, appealed the school board's decision to oust him, and, as happens so often, they found a sympathetic court. The kid is now back in office. But wait - it's not over yet. His fellow students, some of whom do have a sense of the shame he has brought on them and their school, have begun circulating a petition to recall him. They obviously have a lot to learn before they can become U.S. Senators, because they still seem to think that poor conduct "rises to the level of an impeachable offense."

*********** I think it is wonderful that there are girls who like football. And I think it is all very nice that they'd like to have the experience of playing. I also think that's too bad, because I believe that football should remain an exclusively-male province - one of the few left in our increasingly-feminized culture.

I believe that every time our boys are forced to give up something that was once exclusively theirs, we take another step toward an androgynous society - and a more effeminate one, at that - in which the males steadily become more feminized and less able to take care of themselves - more inclined to whine and ask presidential candidates, pleadingly, "what are you going to do for me?"

I am the proud father of three daughters whom I love dearly, and for whom I want all the best. They all participated in sports and I loved watching them. I want the best for my three granddaughters, and if they want to take part in sports, I want them to have the opportunity. But I am not going to get sucked into trying to show what a sensitive, new millenium guy I am by advocating allowing girls to play football with boys.

I am up to here with the "freak show" stories we read every fall, whenever a team has a girl placekicker. Forget the hundreds of boys in the area playing football. Nobody gets to read about them. They're just grunts who have worked their tails off all winter, spring and summer so we can read about little Barbie Ponytail realizing her dreams.

You say girls have a "right" to play football? Hey - don't they also have a "right" to play girls' basketball and volleyball? So how come at large high schools dozens of girls will try out for a team, but only a handful will be kept? What about all the ones who were cut? What about their rights? Why doesn't the school provide another team for them?

I am, by the way, all for providing football - flag or tackle - for girls. If they really want to play. They should be out right now, drumming up support among their friends and among the community. I would be glad to help them.

*********** So they finally make a movie that both you and the kids can enjoy, and what do the critics do? They hammer it. Well, screw them. "Remember the Titans," based to some extent on the true story of an Alexandria, Virginia high school where blacks and whites experience playing together on an integrated football team, is a giant box-office hit. Reports Scott Barnes, of Rockwall, Texas, "I thought it was great - and you could bring your grandkids - not ONE word of profanity. Best scene - After watching a day of protesting the integration of their school, the "new" head coach walks onto the field, turns on the lights and describes the place as "his sanctuary" from all the other stuff going on in the world. Very Nice. Had to be done by a Coach. Take the time." What do critics know? People like it.

*********** When Mike Pettine retired at the end of last season as head coach at Central Bucks West, of Doylestown, Pennsylvania, few people predicted disaster. Coach Pettine built a powerhouse there, and he left things in good shape. CB West has won the last three state Class AAAA championships, and last went down to defeat on November 9, 1996. So far this season, CB West is 7-0, and after defeating crosstown rival Central Bucks East last Friday night, has run its winning streak to 52. CB West can tie the state record by defeating Harry S. Truman of Levittown (2-5) tonight. Should they win, they will tie the current state recordholder - Central Bucks West.

*********** Does it bother you whenever a person we elected to lead wets his finger and holds it up to the wind? Did you really believe the polls that supposedly said "the American people" just didn't want Bill Clinton impeached? Who were those pollsters asking, anyhow? Why didn't we ever know anybody who'd been polled? Where did they find those people? What, exactly, did they ask them? And when? (I don't know about you, but I don't answer the phone at dinnertime.) For those who hate our present government-by-poll, a new web site proposes fighting back. Other than the fact that I'm not comfortable with lying (unless you include practical jokes), www.lietothepolls.com has some pretty good ideas: "When they ask you whether you'll vote for Gore or Bush, tell them you're voting for Nader, or Buchanan, or Hagelin, or Ventura, or your Mom.. Tell them you haven't heard of any of them but you'd like to know where they stand on suburban llama farming... Tell them that whoever will swallow a live goldfish on national television has your vote... Tell them you're undecided because you haven't had a chance to sleep with any of them to know what kind of men they really are... Tell them you registered under two names so that you can vote for both of them.... Tell them anything but the truth... Opinion polls are helping politicians lie to us. It's time for us to lie back."

*********** A youth coach back East writes that now that he's won a few games - depite all the naysayers in his organization - a rival team has begun running a Double-Wing play or two. At least, he thinks so. Says one of them may be 88 Super-Power because it looks a little like it, but they are not having a lot of success. Well, duh. There are not many things uglier than watching somebody trying to run the Double-Wing (or quite a few other offenses for that matter) without knowing what they're doing, because there are so many little details that can bite them in the butt, and they don't know what they are. The only bad thing that I can see (at least from the standpoint of my marketing efforts) is that their failure will serve as further "proof" to some bystanders that the Double-Wing won't work. But from his standpoint, so what? That leaves him without competition. It still takes good coaching. And a set of stones.

*********** The greatest thing about what I am doing (I still haven't come up with a name for it, should people ask) is the people I get to meet. I can't imagine a better group of people to do business with than football coaches. One of the guys I've "run into" over the Net is a Boston businessman named Lou Orlando, who's a youth coach in his town of Sudbury, Massachusetts. Lou also happens to be a fellow Yalie, who played on the line for Coach Carm Cozza in the late '70s. I mentioned to Lou that I would be going to Las Vegas this weekend for a reunion of the Yale football team of 1960, a truly great team. (I was a year out of school when they had their undefeated season, but they have graciously invited members from my class.) As a sort of tribute to them, I put together a "web site within a web site," (Yale Football '60) and directed Lou to it, and this was his reaction: "That's awesome...seeing Harry Jacunski in the picture of the Coaching staff brought back a FLOOD of memories..he was our Freshman Coach and was patient enough to treat us as one of his "family", given all the ups and downs that freshmen, particularly those in the Ivies, go through in that first year. It may sound kind of corny, but all season long he would call us "Bullpups". Then, during Princeton week, everyday leading up to our game against them he played a tape of Yale fight songs, before and after practice. You had to see the tape player..it was one of those big, reel to reel jobs like in the spy movies when they're interrogating the guy. Well, after out last practice, Harry, this big, hulking guy, comes into the locker room, turns off the machine and launched into a speech that would make Knute Rockne proud. At the end, he tells us," When you came here, all you were were a group of individuals, a bunch of Bullpups...Now, when you get on that field on Friday you will no longer be a bunch of Bullpups... You will be a team of.... FULL-FLEDGED, SNARLING BULLDOGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Coach, we were ready to rip the doors off the locker room and play right then and there.. we killed 'em on Friday and then blasted Harvard the next week in a torrential down pour..in that game one of the asst. coaches, Vito DeVito yelled at one of our ball boys "Hey Smitty..what are you doing? The towel you're using is soaked!! you wipe off a wet ball with a wet towel, it just gets wetter!!".. Those of us lucky enough to be standing there close enough to hear it almost peed in our pants we were laughing so hard.. Needless to say, that line has been carried forward, even 20 years after it was said. Have a great trip!" (Harry Jacunski is still living. He is a truly great man. He played on the line at Fordham with Vince Lombardi, as one of the famed "Seven Blocks of Granite," played after that for the Packers from 1939 to 1944 with time out for service, and coached at Yale for years, first as varsity end coach and then, after a turnover in the varsity staff, as freshman coach. A gentle giant, he never raised his voice, but he had a presence - you either have it or you don't - that allowed him to be close to his players yet command their utter respect. His twin sons, Bob and Dick, were on that 1960 team, and I hope they will be able to attend. Assuming most of the guys at the reunion still have our memories intact, I can only imagine some of the stories that will come out it.)

*********** You've got to try this: Call National Discount Brokers (1-800-888-3999 - it's toll-free)... Listen to all the menu options... After hearing #7, hit 7 (Thanks to Scott Russell, Sterling, Virginia)

*********** I dunno. Maybe we should repeal the 19th Amendment before it's too late. That's the one that gave women the vote. It also gave us Bill Clinton. Thursday, I'm listening to the radio, and on comes a clip of dialogue from "The View." It's a show you've probably never seen unless you're a female with nothing better to do with your life than sit on your butt and watch four witches named Barbara Walters, Lisa Ling, Meredith Viera and Joy Behar sit around and make girl talk. What scum. (Excuse me if I spelled any of those names wrong, "ladies.") Evidently, girl talk these days consists of a lot of snickering - at the size of Al Gore's, uh, member. Actually, "package" was the term this Behar witch used, as she proceeded to show the group the cover of a certain magazine (why should I publicize it?) on which Mr. Gore appears to be, shall we say, in a state of obvious arousal. (Probably thinking about the next lie he's going to tell.) "When the rest of the country sees this, his polls are going to go way up," she predicted, which shows how much respect she has for the intelligence of her fellow American females. I hope she's wrong. But what a bunch of hypocritical tarts on that show! If four men were to sit around and make jokes about Hillary's body parts, they'd be yanked off the air. And what mindless twits their audience must be as they rock with laughter! They've got to be the same ones who elected - and provided cover for - the White House rapist.

October 19 - "Most schools are excellent." Albert W. Gore

*********** Virginia Tech's Michael Vick is one of the greatest athletes I have ever seen on a football field. And Clemson's Woodrow Dantzler may be just as good: he will run for 1000 yards and pass for half-again that much this year. Nebraska's Eric Crouch runs and passes and operates the most versatile offense in college football. Vick, Dantzler and Crouch. They are so-called "black quarterbacks." Okay, okay, I know - Crouch has a slight pigment deficiency. But otherwise, he qualifies. What it means is they are all very athletic. They can run and pass. They are almost good enough to win games by themselves. And if they can't exactly do that, they sure do make their teams better. They are helping to win a lot of games for their college teams, and helping to fill a lot of stadiums. You get the idea. But there is always the question lurking in the background: can they play quarterback in the NFL? Traditionally, whenever the pros would get hold of an athlete like these guys, there would be a lot weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth, with coaches claiming to be "trying to find a place" for them. As often as not, it would be somewhere in the secondary. Or wide receiver. Uh, why not quarterback, you ask? Because, we're always told, they're not "pure passers." And, supposedly, they're not "disciplined" enough. (Like I guess Ryan Leaf is.) They "won't stay in the pocket." (Would you, if you could run like these guys?) Sometimes, there's even a veiled knock at their intelligence, but coaches are becoming a little more sophisticated than to do that anymore. But whatever the reason, NFL coaches continue to worry about being able to force athletes like Vick, Dantzler and Crouch to adapt to their offenses, when maybe they should be adapting their offenses to the athletes. (High school coaches have do it all the time.) I have a suggestion for them: can you say "single-wing tailback?" There sit the Patriots right now with a kid named Michael Bishop, a gifted runner-passer out of Kansas State. Actually, it is fairer to say that there sits Michael Bishop, while Drew Bledsoe, the classic big, slow guy with the cannon arm, collects sacks. Wouldn't it make sense for the Patriots, with all the time they have on their hands, to take a kid like Bishop and install a series tailored to his unique abilities? Imagine the pressure that would that put on rival defensive coordinators. The Steelers gave the idea a half-hearted shot with Kordell "Slash" Stewart, but then they seemed to give up and decided it was time to convert him from the versatile, highly talented, impact-type player that he was to a more conventional pro-style quarterback. With the conversion now nearly complete, I doubt that many people would pronounce it a wild success. Fans, of course, can be counted on to polly-parrot the tired old cliches they hear from the coaches and the commentators, which is why, a couple of years ago, Philadelphia fans booed when it was announced that the Eagles had spent their first-round draft choice on Donovan McNabb. Two years later, it doesn't look like such a bad choice, does it? Shaun King at Tampa Bay was in that same draft. So was Daunte Culpepper, who now looks as if he's the man at Minnesota. McNabb, King and Culpepper can all run and pass, and their teams are winning with them. Maybe the coaches are beginning to learn. Maybe they'll trash their precious carved-in-stone offenses and use Vick, Dantzler and Crouch the same way. But I'm not betting on it. I'm betting they'll wind up playing somewhere other than quarterback. Either that or they will wind up having their talents amputated, like Kordell Stewart, or in no-man's-land, like Michael Bishop.

*********** Any of you guys out there - especially you fellows headed into your golden years - happen to hear our Vice-President the other night, talking about a "$10,000 signing bonus for new teachers?" Yes-s-s-s-s! I said. Finally! A candidate who answers my pitiful, selfish plea, "What are you going to do for people like me?" Hey - I've been out of teaching for 2-1/2 years now, and I haven't collected a nickel of my retirement. I can go back to teaching! I may be old, but I'm a new teacher to somebody! I'm going back and collecting my signing bonus! The rest of you old-timers - eat your hearts out.

*********** Remember when I wrote about the judge who said that it was okay for an eighth-grade boy to come to school in a dressed as a woman? I mentioned that I guess I had just been lucky, but the Massachusetts people I'd met seemd to be pretty normal. (At least, if they do wear padded bras, they don't wear them on the sidelines.) This came in from Lou Orlando, a youth coach in Sudbury, Mass. "And if it doesn't add insult to injury Coach, I think this kid goes to Brockton HS (like I said I think, I'm not 100% sure), one of the tougher schools around. They have a GREAT football tradition and a great coach there in Armand Columbo. It also was the hometown of heavyweight great Rocky Marciano, hence the team's nickname the "Boxers." - You're kidding me! Brockton! I would as soon have guessed Pottsville, Pennsylvania or Bayonne, New Jersey. Or (you probably don't know the town) Kelso, Washington. All of them what you would call "tough towns," in an admiring sense. Brockton is a great football town. In fact, I believe that the Columbos, an athletic family, are cousins of the Marchegianos (The Rock's real last name)! And don't forget Mahvelous Mahvin Haglah! (Marvelous Marvin Hagler)

*********** To further prove my point about Massachusetts, I got an e-mail from Jeff Gordon, a youth football coach in Western Massachusetts, who is also a state trooper. He sent along an article that indicates that living in the Bay State might sometimes be a little tough on those people who still manage to cling to their sanity.

Last November 20, a 22-year-old Dorchester, Massachusetts transsexual (funny - I managed to grow well into middle age before I ever even used the word) named Charles Horton, dressed as a woman, lured a 12-year-old boy into his car. He drove the youngster to a deserted parking lot, where he held a screwdriver to his neck and demanded oral sex. Somehow, Boston police managed to arrive on the scene and interrupt the attack, during which Horton admitted shoving the screwdriver and his fingers into the kid's mouth.

It took Judge Maria Lopez a while to get around to sentencing Horton, because she wanted to wait until media outrage over the attack subsided, but last week, she sentenced him. SHE TURNED HIM LOOSE! Charles Horton, who admitted committing the despicable crime he was accused of, is now a FREE MAN!

Judge Lopez, angrily scolding the prosecutor for having the effrontery to ask for a prison term of eight to 10 years for what she called Horton's "low-level'' offense, slapped a year of home detention on Horton, but gave him permission to attend college classes and "transgender counseling." But she wasn't done. She threw the book at him - five years probation! The dreaded probation, so feared by offenders everywhere. (I can hear Horton now, screaming out in the courtroom, "NO! NO! NOT PROBATION!")

As is so often the case, there is a feel-good liberal behind the judge's decision. Seems a social worker evaluated Horton while in jail and found that he was "not a threat to society." How much you wanna bet he looked at that social worker with big, teary eyes, and convinced her (why do I think it was a female?) that he had "accepted responsibility for the crime" (Yeah. I can hear him now - "I made some bad choices... I screwed up... I made a mistake"). Not only that, but he has been undergoing counseling - and we know how effective that can be - and, while he was in solitary (placed there for his own protection), he claims to have had a "transforming experience."

Several Massachusetts legislators, just to prove that not everybody in the Bay State is nuts, are now attempting to have Judge Lopez removed. She insists that there are mitigating details the public isn't aware of. "The defendant," she said, "was given a fair sentence.''

Now what was it you wanted to ask the Governor of Texas about the death penalty?

*********** Huh? A North Carolina high school football coach was fired after being accused of telling one of his players to "put a gun to your mouth and pull the trigger" during halftime of a game back in September. He continues to teach at the school.

*********** L.A. Times columnist T. J. Simers noting that Bears' QB Cade McNown had made off with "Brande," one of Hugh Hefner's constant-companion triplets, said that he, himself, is not that sort of guy. "I know this, " Simers wrote. "No matter how much the twins Sandy and Mandy come on to me, I'm not going to offer to take them places they've never been before, because NFL and major league baseball rules strictly prohibit outsiders in the press box."

*********** "Coach Wyatt, Sometimes it is hard to find success stories when you are only 3-4, but when you have lost a couple of tough ones, sometimes you need a week like we just had to put everything in perspective. We lost a tough game a week ago to our arch rival after we took an 18-0 lead in the first seven minutes of the game. We got some kids banged up and were not sure what we were going to do this next week. Our JV's had been very successful with a 5-1 record so far, but we needed to bring some of their talent up to help us out. Well, we brought up their QB, A-Back, C-Back and a starting guard to the varsity. The revamped JV's proceeded to go out on Thursday night and beat Leesburg 60-0 and played just great. Then on Friday we were to play Crescent City, which was 6-0 and rated #1 in Class 1A. We started the freshman QB, and the C-Back started on defense for us. The other two guys played throughout the game, but we went to Crescent City and pulled off the big upset. We won 30-24 and had the following drives: Drive #1 - Took 11 plays, 68 yards and 5:41 off the clock. Drive #2 went 93 yards in 16 plays and took 8:29 off the clock. Drive #3 went 70 yards in 14 plays while eating up 7:48 of clock. Drive #4 went 51 yards in 15 plays and took 7:04 off the clock. The last drive we were milking the clock and scored with 1:29 left in the game. This gave us a 30-18 lead, and then they scored on the last play of the game to make it 30-24. Our freshman QB played a mistake-free game, and throughout the game there were times we had as many as three freshmen in our blackfield at the same time. We have a freshman fullback who has been up with us all year, 5'10", 255 lbs, and he is a load. He had 126 yards (with a 50 yard TD last week) and he got 87 yards this week. This whole week showed that if you plug good athletes into this offense and don't make mistakes, you can always be competitive. Of course, we all knew this, but I think it opened some eyes around this area. Just some more ringing indorsements for all double-wingers." Ron Timson, Umatilla, Florida

*********** If people insist on "gender equity"... if, as modern educators are fond of saying, "all sports have equal value" and therefore football's just another sport, then it's becoming apparent that somebody's going to have to reach into their pockets to pay for those beliefs. The most recent evidence of the high cost of providing "equity" comes from the Pennsylvania Interscholastic Athletics Association (PIAA), which after losing more than $762,000 last year, is forecasting a deficit of $370,000 for this year. The PIAA, which oversees - and subsidizes - costly post-season tournaments in any number of "minor" (read non-revenue) sports, had a $1 million balance in its bank account just a year ago; it is now below $400,000. They can only milk football and basketball so much.

October 17 - "Opinions alter, manners change, creeds rise and fall, but the moral law is written on the tablets of eternity." Lord Acton

THE 33RD ANIVERSARY OF THE BATTLE OF ONG THANH - OCTOBER 17, 1967

*********** I am not sure that there is a better, more versatile arm in college football than Joey Harrington's. The Oregon QB threw every kind of pass a QB can be asked to throw against USC Saturday. He can zip the deep out, he can lob the short play-action pass into the end zone, he can throw the bomb, he can drill it into the hole over the middle, he can dump a nice, soft screen. How about 28 of 42 for 382 yards and four TD's, with only one interception? At least five of his passes were on the money, but dropped. He doesn't move around too bad, either, throwing equally well from the pocket or rolling left or right. His dad, John, is a former Oregon quarterback who coached for years at Sam Barlow High in Gresham, Oregon. He played his high school ball at Portland's Central Catholic High, where several Harringtons have played, including dad, uncle Tom, and now younger brother Michael, who is starring at QB on the state's number-two ranked team.

*********** The Portland Oregonian recently ran an article about a woman who is fighting to repeal Oregon's minimum sentence law. She's on a personal crusade, because her darling little boy shouldn't have to serve eight years for what he did. Of course, the guy he beat nearly to death with a baseball bat suffered a life sentence - permanent brain damage - but her son (he's "really a good boy") shouldn't be made to suffer just because he "made a mistake." Needless to say, the article, disgusting to me in the unquestioning treatment it gave this woman, provoked a number of letters to the editor. The best was this one, from a Dr. Carol Schriner, in Newport, Oregon (every football coach will understand what she is saying): "As a pediatrician I have seen an alarming growth in the numbers of parents who justify whatever their children do and do whatever they can to help them avoid the consequences of their actions. These children then grow up to become self-serving adults who will never be able to take personal respponsibility for their choices and who will invariably blame everything and everyone else for their antisocial and hurtful activities." (Just in case you thought maybe it was all your imagination.)

*********** Is there a coach alive who enjoys Homecoming? There are so many distractions, including - but not limited to - stupid stunts that players are asked to perform in assemblies, working late to build bonfires or floats, staying up to decorate halls, and putting up with girlfriends whose entire lives revolve around who will be named Homecoming Queen - oh, yes, and who is going with whom to the dance and where they're going to go eat first - that the game itself often becomes secondary. So coaches who have any pull in their school do what they can to schedule the Homecoming game on the night they're playing a patsy. I mean, it's tough enough to win as it is, but you don't want to cast a pall over the Homecoming Dance by losing your game, do you? My first year at La Center (Washington) High School., we were so poorly thought of that we were the opponent at three Homecomings (it could easily have been four, but we had only four away games, and one was our opener, much too early for that school's Homecoming). It does become a source of great pride to spoil somebody's Homecoming by beating them - something like stealing their girlfriends. I guess it's somewhat the same for colleges. Take Minnesota, for example. Last year, the Gophers spoiled it for Illinois and then Penn State, and this past Saturday, in front of 98,000 Homecoming celebrants in Columbus, they gave the Ohio State Buckeyes their first defeat.

*********** No offense intended, but I was watching the UNLV-Colorado State game when it suddenly occured to me that that "Mountain West" logo on the field represented a football conference, and not an ice-cream bar or a cheap brand of beer.

*********** Wasn't it great to see that Rams-Falcons game Sunday? The Rams were four-for-five on two-point conversions. There wasn't a single field goal attempted the entire game. I despise the idea of place-kicking specialists influencing the outcome of games. I came by my feelings about placekickers quite honestly. I really liked some of the kickers we had on our WFL team in Philadelphia, but I was amazed at the way the other guys felt about them - the open disrespect they showed them. I know it bugged the players that while they were busting their butts in practice, the kickers were lazily kicking and punting balls back and forth on the sidelines. Since it has always been important to me to foster an atmosphere of mutual respect on a team, I didn't see how we could have that so long as some guys were viewed as prima donnas. I will never have a Heather Sue Mercer situation because I have always had a hard-and-fast rule that I would never have any kid - male or female - on my team who is "just a placekicker." There is no such position on any team of mine. He (she) has to play a position on offense and defense, same as everybody else. Same drills as everyone else. I have had some very good soccer players come to me asking to be kickers and when I told them what the deal was, they declined. I will never know whether it cost us any games. It doesn't haunt me. I sleep well.

*********** I have been a resident of the state of Washington for 25 years, and I support our teams. But there is no way that the Washington Huskies should be ranked ahead of the Oregon Ducks, as they are once again this week in that idiotic USA Today/ESPN poll. Even though the "coaches" who "vote" in this poll seem not to have received word yet that Oregon kicked Washington's butt in a real, live game several weeks ago, the Huskies deserve a demotion just for their sloppy showing Saturday night against a punchless Arizona State club. On the other hand, Washington did thump Miami, yet there are the "Canes, up there in fifth place ahead of the Huskies. Texas, beaten by mighty Stanford and humiliated by Oklahoma, somehow manages to sneak in there at number 21, four spots ahead of North Carolina State, whose only loss was a narrow one to third place Clemson. UCLA, living on the memories of earlier wins over Alabama and Michigan, but only 1-2 in Pac-10 play, somehow holds down number 24.

*********** It was 38-6, Oregon State over Stanford last Saturday, and as the Beavers clinched the win with an interception with 18 seconds left, the broadcast crew marvelled that none of the Oregon State sellout crowd had left. Huh? Listen. Those people haven't won enough to know they're supposed to leave early. The Stanford game was their second sellout in a row. Big deal, say the people at Michigan. But at Oregon State, the last time they sold out two games in a row was 1968, when they closed out the season against UCLA and Oregon (except the Oregon game is always a sellout, so it shouldn't even count). They are now 5-1 for the first time since 1964, when they went to the Rose Bowl (yep, kids, back when Grandma and I were a-courtin', the Beavers actually made it to the Rose Bowl - honest). Lemme tell you something - if those people had left early... if, after suffering through 20+ consecutive years of losing football they're already spoiled by winning, then God help us all - the honeymoons are getting awfully short for coaches who turn programs around.

October 16 - "I feel more strongly about this than anything else in coaching: anybody who lacks discipline, who doesn't want to be part of the team, who doesn't want to meet the requirements - has to go. It's that simple." Bud Wilkinson

INJURY REPORT: Of the three young men in the Portland area who suffered serious injuries within days of each other, Kris Tyacke, of Beaverton, Oregon, remains critical with a spinal cord injury. Matt Murray, of Castle Rock, Washington, who suffered a brain injury, is still in critical condition. The wonderful news, though, is that Justin Goe, of Milwaukie, Oregon, who sustained a serious brain injury September 22, has been making remarkable progress. Late last week, he was moved out of intensive care, and, despite still being heavily sedated, was able to speak and move all of his limbs, according to his dad, Ken Goe. He was visited last week by Oregon State coach Dennis Erickson, and when told that Coach Erickson had brought him a football, he managed to say, "Cool." Asked the name of his favorite player, he replied, "Ken Simonton." (Beavers' running back Simonton has been at or near the top of college rushers all season.)

*********** TOUGH LOSS OF THE WEEK AWARD - HANDS-DOWN -TO COACH MIKE JOHNSTON OF NEW YORK'S CORNING WEST HIGH SCHOOL - LOSER BY 53-50 TO OWEGO FREE ACADEMY. RUNNER-UP WAS ALSO A NEW YORKER, COACH JEFF MATTHEWS OF SIDNEY, 36-30 LOSER IN OVERTIME TO GREENE.

*********** My wife and I sent one of our daughters to Duke, and she got a great education there, and now she has a good job and a wonderful family. But now I think I should have taught her to placekick. Heather Sue Mercer, as of last Thursday the world's wealthiest former Duke female place kicker, has said that she will take the $2 million in punitive damages Duke has been ordered to pay her - for allegedly cutting her because she was a female - and endow a scholarship for female place kickers. Now, assuming she is serious (and when you are dealing with somebody who really thinks, in the absence of any proof, that she could have walked on and kicked her way to a Division I college scholarship, anything is possible), this does bring up a few questions: will she donate the money to Duke? Does Duke, then, have to use the money? (If so, it would no doubt count against Duke's NCAA limit of 85 scholarships, meaning Duke would have only 84 to award to real football players. Could some wealthy Alabama alum sabotage Auburn by donating enough money to endow scholarships for, say, five female placekickers at Auburn, thereby reducing by five the number of scholarships the Tigers have to offer to football players? ) Will this usurp what is generally considered to be the coach's prerogative, and dictate that one of those precious scholarships must be given to someone other than the best person for the job? Finally, getting serious for a minute - when you and I know how many deserving, qualified males miss out on football scholarships every year, can she legally specify that the money be used exclusively for a female?

*********** Tim Brandt, doing the color on the USC-Oregon broadcast, happened to mention the Heather Sue Mercer verdict. Keith Jackson, doing the play-by-play, seemed to be under some sort of gag order, as he shot back, "Do-o-o-o-o-n't bring it up."

*********** Beano Cook did a halftime special Saturday on the traditional post-game handshake between coaches. He doesn't like it. Now, I respect Beano Cook, and I respect a lot of Beano's opinions, but not this one. I think every time we peel off a little bit of the civility that should exist between coaches as fellow professionals, we lose a little more of our right to call ourselves professionals. He invoked the usual paramilitary crap, asking whether General George Patton would have shaken hands with an enemy general. That I can't say - actually, I suspect that a good military leader respects a worthy adversary - but knowing our present-day society, I think I can say that if General Patton were to come back today and want to coach football - or even lead an army - he'd first be looking at undergoing some serious anger management and sensitivity training. But then Beano went on to say that there is a least one prominent football coach who would prefer not to have to shake hands after the game - Steve Spurrier, as if you couldn't have guessed. Said Terry Bowden, former Auburn coach, when Beano had finished and they returned to the studio, "there are not many coaches that like to shake hands with Steve Spurrier, either."

*********** This past weekend, Minnesota beat Ohio State in Columbus, the first time that's been done since 1949, when a guy named Bud Grant played for the Gophers...and Oregon beat UCLA, USC and Washington in the same season for the first time since 1948, when Norm Van Brocklin was the Ducks' QB.

*********** Oregon ran a beautifully-executed shovel pass against USC - ran it twice, in fact, both times to Maurice Morris. It worked both times, the first time for an 8-yard touchdown, the second for 15 yards and a key first down. (There is an example of such a play on page 85 of the playbook.)

*********** It was 1 PM Pacific Time, and on Fox, the Rams were playing the Falcons. No doubt lots of little boys and girls were watching, too, many of them unaccompanied by their parents because, at least until the start of the XFL, football is still generally considered to be acceptable family entertainment. And on came a promo for some piece-of-dreck Fox show called "Boston Public," and one of its appealing "teenage" characters, referring to a drug test, says, "I ain't pissin' in no cup." Of course, as the TV-and-Hollywood scum who donate their millions to Gore and Clinton are so fond of saying, if you don't want your kids seeing that stuff, just change the channel. To what?

*********** Speaking of the Rams, they played most of the game without a place kicker. So they went for two - and made it a couple of times - and just seconds before halftime, unable to kick a field goal, they went for it on fourth down - and scored a touchdown. The whole league should try this for just one weekend. If they did, I guarantee you they'd never bring the placekickers back.

*********** Are things really this bad? Are we really such a bunch of wimps? I heard a reporter (female) on Fox News telling us, from Yemen, that despite the tragedy of the USS Cole, she doubted that its crew members were "so demoralized" that they wouldn't want to return to duty. Huh? Can you believe that? What an insult to our service people! As if there would be any question. It just demonstrated once again the vast disconnect between our weenie "it's-okay-for-guys-to-cry" culture and the stones that are still needed to defend it.

*********** I am frequently asked by youth coaches, even this late in the season (perhaps because they're thinking about a wrinkle for the playoffs), whether 12-year-olds, or 10-year-olds, or 8-year olds can run the Double-Wing. It's a reasonable question, because what we are doing is a relatively novel approach to youth football offense, in that it expects kids to do things that plenty of "knowledgeable football people" will tell you they can't do. Let me just say without any hesitation that there is no doubt that kids can run this offense successfully - provided the coach knows what he's talking about, knows how to teach it, knows how to fix the little things that can go wrong, and has "the stones" to stand up to all the people who will say it won't work. There is no offensive or defensive system that by itself will make a team better, It still takes coaching and it still takes salesmanship. But if anyone has any doubts, he should take a look at the lower part of The Winner's Circle, which I update every week, at the Youth teams whose scores are reported on there. There are well over 100 of them that I know are running the Double-Wing around the country, so those scores are just from those teams whose coaches report them to me.

*********** Ouch. From Avon Grove, Pennsylvania, Mike Lane writes, "Coach, I haven't heard from you lately. Is that because you pulled a hamstring running so fast to the record store to buy Allen Iverson's new rap CD???"

*********** In case you're interested... Keith Babb, of Northbrook, Illinois, sent me a link to a great prayer that has been circulating. It is a shocking call for us to shape up as a nation. PRAYER

October 11 - "The coach must be something of a salesman in order to sell himself, his ability and his system to the players." Don Faurot, former Missouri coach and inventor of the Split-T

TRIVIA ANSWER (What product was advertised here?): If you were an easterner and you were alive in the 40's, 50's or even 60's, you would recognize the "3-Ring Sign" of Ballantine Ale & Beer. Ballantine Beer, brewed in Newark, New Jersey at what was then the world's largest brewery, was popular from Philadelphia to Boston, and was the best-selling beer on the East Coast; Ballantine Ale, one of the few remaining ales sold in America at that time, was the country's best-selling ale. From the earliest days of televised sports, the name Ballantine was synonymous with sports sponsorship in Philadelphia and New York, and it was at the brewery's urging that famed Yankees' broadcaster Mel Allen referred to a Yankee home run as "A Ballantine Blast!" Beer drinkers were urged to "simply make the 3-ring sign" - forming a ring with the tips of the thumb and forefinger, while holding up the remaining three fingers (an obscene gesture in Brazil, by the way) - "and ask the man for Ballantine!" (Answered correctly by one very intelligent person with an astounding memory: Greg Chambers-Groton, Connecticut.)

*********** "Coach, This year we have posted a 6-0 record, the best that this school has ever done in at least the last 40 years. we are averaging 33 points and over 300 yards offense a game. However, our best player broke his foot last week, so things will be a little tougher. Through six games he had 19 TDs, almost 1000 yards rushing, and had four receptions averaging 65 yards all for touchdowns (makes you wonder why we didn't throw to him more often doesn't it? ). I told our team that some good can come of this tragedy, however. now they get the chance to prove to all of our critics that we aren't just a one man team; we just have to "suck em up" and play that much harder. I have a feeling that our kids will rise to the occasion." Coach Tim Cochran, Geraldine, Alabama

*********** Beginning right after Labor Day, the Wall Street Journal's web site ran an "October Surprise" contest, asking its readers to try to guess what dramatic stunt President Clinton might pull (bombing an aspirin factory in Sudan, for example) to try to influence the campaign in its final days.The greatest number of respondents chose war of one sort or another, with Iraq the most frequently chosen enemy. Three readers guessed an attack on Texas. A resident of Boise suggested that the President would "nuke Utah and blame it on the Mormons for being 'Intolerant.'" Several readers predicted that Mr. Clinton would step down, citing health reasons, so that Al Gore could run as an incumbent. The best prediction of all came from Allan Radman of Aptos, California, who said, "Hillary, Tipper and Hadassah will all announce that they are pregnant. And, in a moment of confusion, Al Gore will announce on 'Larry King Live' that he, too, is pregnant. At the same time, Geraldo Rivera will attack Governor Bush for not being pregnant."

*********** As it turned out, I had a very close look at quite a performance Saturday, standing on the Hofstra sidelines as Portland State's Charles Dunn rushed for 324 yards and earned himself the Division I-AA National Player of the Week Award. And for their effort, the Portland State Vikings moved to number two nationally, just11 votes behind Georgia Southern.

*********** Last summer, the townspeople of Buffalo, New York livened things up for visitors by placing almost-life-size statues of buffaloes in various places around the city, all of them different in some way. One was painted the colors of the beloved Bills. The state of Rhode Island did something similar, but, since buffaloes were already taken, it did potato-heads in an assortment of get-ups. And then - perhaps you read about it - someone complained about the version of Mr. Potato Head sitting outside the Warwick, Rhode Island city hall. Said it was "racist." When I first heard this, I immediately thought of the sort of people we see and hear so much of nowadays, people who aren't happy unless they can find something that offends them. Fortunately for them, they don't usually have to look too far. A racist Potato Head. Right. And then I saw a photo, and my jaw dropped, and I said, "holy s---!" It was racist! This was not just another PC rant. This was the darkest-skinned potato you've ever seen in your life. (The artist explained that this was a "tourist" potato - that along with the floral shirt and sunglasses, the dark skin was supposed to represent a deep tan.) Except the dark skin of Mr. Potato Head's face was broken by an exaggeratedly wide grin, with pink lips and large, white teeth. It looked like some of the old-time minstrel-show-type caricatures of blacks that were once popular (among whites). As Leonard Pitts, columnist for the Miami Herald wrote after seeing it, "the only thing missing was the watermelon." I can't imagine that this was a consciously racist act. The real issue here, it seems to me, is ignorance. I doubt that there is a soul in the entire state of Rhode Island in a position to put such a work of art in a public place who would intentionally have approved a piece of art deemed remotely racist. The artist claimed she was unaware of the resemblance between her work and those highly offensive drawings of days gone by of little black boys smiling as they ate away at their watermelon. I'm not a big fan of sensitivity training, but I am a historian by education, and it seems to me that a lot of people missed a lesson or two here. And the sad thing, says Mr. Pitts, a black man whose writing I admire, is that as the races seem to grow apart in America, driven there by leaders who profit from racial distrust, we could be in for more of the same.

*********** A Chicago area coach wrote about the youth football feats of the offspring of former professional athletes, Michael Jordan and Dave Duerson: "the 5th/6th grade Red team won 19 - 6 led by Jeffrey Jordan's 2 TD's. He is rapidly developing into a superior football player where he looks like a man among boys. The 5th/6th grade Grey team won a very hard fought game 18-0. They were led on defense by Brock Duerson (son of Dave Duerson of '85 Bears fame) who was all over the field making hits that you can't believe were delivered by a little 75 pound kid. I guess he was inspired by a feature article in this Sunday's Chicago Tribune on his two older brothers. Anyway, on the final TD play, Brock threw the most devastating block I've seen in football this year - at any level. Brock was playing wing and was blocking the cornerback on the playside. After the runner passed him, he looked to peel back and pick off a trailing defender. Brock saw his prey and launched his entire body striking the poor defender square in the numbers with his shoulder pad. On impact, the defender was parallel to the ground, cleats facing skyward. A real de-cleater on a kid that outweighed him by 20 pounds. Wow! I wish all of my kids would hit like that."

*********** "Coach Wyatt, As a graduate of the University of Georgia I was excited as anyone to see 9 years of frustration at the hands of Tennessee end. The Dogs did it with old fashioned defense and a good running game. The end of the game made me ashamed to be called a Georgia fan. The sacred hedges were destroyed by a mob of students who came onto the field to celebrate. This seems to be a new tradition that I hope is quickly stopped. A student was trampled and is in serious condition because of this tradition. I got a new tradition for those rowdy fans. Let me come to your house and stomp on your lawn and bushes and destroy your property. There seems to be a lack of control by some people today. Its not just at Georgia but is everywhere. LSU fans did the same thing a week earlier and I saw fans at Georgia Southern do this after a playoff win last year. The game was stopped with about a minute to play. Officials everywhere need to come up with a plan to stop this type of behavior. I thought this stuff only happens in soccer matches in Europe and South America. Do we need barb wire fences and moats around our fields too? Dan King Evans Ga. (feel free to use my name on this message.) PS I ve made arrangements to attend practice at Glascock County next week and I'm looking forward to seeing the 2 wing up close. Their coach was very cordial when I called him. Thanks for going out of your way to help me. (The remaining home games on Georgia's schedule will not be played "between the hedges", as has been the tradition at Georgia's beautiful Sanford Stadium. The beautiful hedges that separated the field from the spectators were trampled so badly that the University has had to cut them to stubble, in hopes that they will grow back in time for next season. Now, games will be played "between the chain-link fences." Says Georgia AD (and former football coach) Vince Dooley, "It's going to be ugly." I have to disagree with Coach King when he considers this a reflection on Georgia or its fans. It is a common occurence, and seems to stem in part from the "mosh-pit mentality" of the concerts that these kids attend. If you hadn't noticed, they don't go to concerts to listen to music: they dress up and make up appropriately, and then - they become part of the show! Think I'm wrong? Look at the way these idiots dress and make up and carry signs, then mug for the cameras at sports events. That's why they came! Their moment of fame! And colleges have contributed to the post-game mess by erecting "permanent" goal posts that merely raise the bar in challenging drunken students. Some of those goal posts could have survived the siege of Leningrad, but invariably, the mob brings them down. We are approaching the unruliness of English and Latin American soccer fans. )

*********** Coach Christian Thomas, of Cypress, California, notes with sarcasm, " I am sorry to report that the players/staff and family found it necessary to kneel in prayer for Justin Goe (young Oregon player seriously injured a week ago) prior to the kickoff. I am trying to figure out if we broke any laws..so what if we did, it felt good to do it for Justin."

*********** I don't believe in curses or hexes, but at a time when football in the Northwest has never been stronger - Oregon is in the Top Ten and Oregon State is ranked, with Portland State at number two in Division I-AA - there is a certain uneasiness surrounding our game. With one young player, Kris Tyacke, still paralyzed and another, Justin Goe, in serious condition with a brain injury, Friday night saw another potentially catastrophic injury. The injured player, Matt Murray, of Castle Rock, Washington, suffered a severe brain injury when colliding with a Ridgefield player on what appeared to all who witnessed it and have seen it on video as a fairly routine play. He was life-flighted to a hospital in Portland, and the game was declared over with a little over three minutes to play. At last report, Matt was still in serious condition. Yes, that is the same Ridgefield at which I have coached, and if you have seen my 1999 Highlights video, Castle Rock was the opponent whom we played in last year's season finale, with the league title on the line. Matt Murray, number 11, went both ways, playing flanker back on offense and corner on defense. Your prayers can't hurt. Matt Murray, c/o Castle Rock HS, 5180 Westside Hwy, Castle Rock, Washington 98611

October 10 - "Never let the blocker into the fleshy part of the body" Lou Holtz

*********** The Wimp Factor- Don't know what this tells you about where you live, but here is the ranking of US TV markets according to the ratings of NBC's Olympic broadcasts. (In other words, if your market ranked high, that could indicate a high Wimp Factor - a lot of people who don't consider themselves hardcore sports fans, but just adored the rhythmic gymnastics and synchronized diving and all those neat behind-the-scenes features about obscure equestrian performers who had difficult childhoods. (1)