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DahFuke
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February 2, 2013

Dahfuke is up with… Mortal Kombat: Annihilation

If you were born in the 90s, or just born in general, you should have seen Mortal Kombat (the original live-action movie) at some point in your youth or later in life as a childhood catch-up (a la me finally getting through the Scream episode of “Boy Meets World” way late). Maybe you just decided to watch as part of a drinking game. I don’t really care, but the point is, Mortal Kombat was a campy, yet awesome, film (YES, film…not movie) that made me blow in my elementary pants. Mortal Kombat: Annihilation…dahfuke?

The movie starts of re-capping its predecessor (with re-used footage) and gives the viewer, who at this point is probably waking up in the basement of their torturer after being chloroformed, a rundown of what’s gone down so far. A few shot establishing ninja powers, the eras CGI ability and the soundtrack. Don’t worry, if you missed them during this roundup, they’ll be re-used. Now, as the stage is set, baddies enter and you think maybe stuffs about to go down. Maybe shite will be cool. Your torturer smirks widely and presses play.

What follows is a list of the generally fuckery taking place:

Big Bad promises that mankind will rest…”IN PEACE!”

Liu Kang asks what every grown up fifth grader is asking.

“I thought our victory of Mortal Kombat closed those portals.” – Liu

“What has closed can also open again.” – Raiden, god of Thunder

“What’s that supposed to mean? – Sonya Blade

But don’t worry, before your physically older yet psychologically-same self can throw a fireball into the television, you find a way to channel your anger.

That’s not Sonya Blade. That’s not Sonya Blade at ALL!

This:

And that’s in the first 3 minutes….

Everyone swan dives when they jump

White people try to look cool doing karate and can’t

Vaguely non-white people do look cool doing karate and make the white people feel bad about themselves

We’re reminded that the protector of Earthrealm is a god of thunder and lightening…as in storms

Sonya Blade is shown to be incapable of taking care of herself most likely due to the fact that she’s a woman, and blonde, and not the real Sonya Blade. She’s probably just some lady in baggy short shorts that happened to be walking in that part of Tibet when all this shit started going down. The real Sonya Blade probably went to take a nap cause the whole cast has been up for, I dunno, a week or two at this point. So really, she was just taking five, but it still seems anti-feminist to me. (See above character sketch)

Johnny Cage dies…Sonya can’t hold it together.

Side note: It wasn’t the real Johnny Cage either. They probably just went of to celebrate and have a baby. I

There baby would look like this:

While doing your search for the photos to make that baby, you find out that real Johnny Cage’s “real” name is Linden…

Liu Kang complains about the rules

“Obviously he’s broken the rules.”

Basically everyone starts being a lil bitchy

You stop watching and try to make something of your life

You give up on your life and find out they’re (MAYBE) making another MK movie.

Your fifth-grade self shites its pants…in a good way. Not at all like that one time.

Not so all-seeing elder gods

“How can the elder gods allow this?” “They do not know.”

Fighting over killing the bad guy

Sonya Blade volunteers…right after she was taken down by a whip

Teamwork

“You all must grow stronger, together” *Everyone walks in a separate direction while Sonya whines*

Eco-friendly travel

“Once inside the velopsphere, you can travel to anywhere on Earth in mere hours. The inner winds propel you.” Farts, apparently, are better than planes now.

More teamwork

“If you work together, you can do much.” Much, not everything, but much.

You for real give up this time…

TO BE CONTINUED

Written by Conor Posted in Daily DahFuke, Movies