The Gift of Winter
Collin Murr
Year: 1974 Director: John Leach, Isobel Rankin Starring: Dan Aykroyd, Gilda Radner, Valri Bromfield The only proof you need that today's special is worthy of competing for the title of Worst Christmas Special is that poster. What is with those character designs? I don't mind cheap if it has a style to it, but what is going…
https://s1.wp.com/i/favicon.ico
Movie Match-Up
Year: 1974

Director: John Leach, Isobel Rankin

Starring: Dan Aykroyd, Gilda Radner, Valri Bromfield

The only proof you need that today’s special is worthy of competing for the title of Worst Christmas Special is that poster. What is with those character designs? I don’t mind cheap if it has a style to it, but what is going on there? What are those things supposed to be? Well, let’s find out with today’s special The Gift of Winter.

With our judges, who will be back at the end to give their thoughts: Kirk Cameron, The Mayor from The Christmas Tree, and our guest judge Winterbolt from Rudolph and Frosty’s Christmas in July.

We begin with a narrator (Gilda Radner) who tells us that once upon a time there was no snow in the world, and winter was cold and miserable. Everyone was unhappy because snow hadn’t been invented yet…except since no one knew what it was, how would they know the difference? Hmm, I wish we had snow in this world. What’s snow? Oh I have no clue, but it should probably be invented.

Out of some unseen location, voices mumble “No snow?” like this is some preschool show where the audience interacts with the narrator. The only thing is this never happens again. Why is there suddenly a vocal audience for one line?

We meet our charming cast of characters…

I’d say this was made on a shoestring budget, but I’m pretty sure I could sell one of my shoestrings and make a better cartoon. This is so cheap that it probably only cost the price of those little tips on the end of your shoelaces, so I’m going to say this was made on an aglet budget instead.

This animation is painfully cheap, with most of the characters going through about three slides of animation. The worst offender is this guy, whose scenes are basically just a repetition of these three pictures.

The quick jumpy edits remind me of the acting of William Shatner, except they’re a bit more subtle. I also have no idea why the characters have these one-color motifs (budget perhaps), while the backgrounds are perfectly normal. This weird blue guy is Goodly, voiced by Dan Aykroyd, who’s literally just doing his Bass-O-Matic voice. We have similarly named characters like Nicely…

Malicious…

And Bazooey.

Dopey, Happy, Sleepy, Lumpy and Boner (from Growing Pains you pervs) don’t make an appearance, because the thing is only 25 minutes long.

Goodly decides to lead the people in a march to the Ministry of Winter, where they will meet Winter himself and protest the conditions of the season. Alright, so it’s a cute little parable about a few people who get Winter to create snow… and make it home in time for Christmas? Huh? I was going to buy into the simplicity of this thing, but then they have to throw Christmas into the mix. I have a lot of questions.

So this special takes place after the Birth of Christ, but there has never been snow. Forget all the ice ages that occurred millions of years before this, forget any Christmas carols that mentioned snow, because snow didn’t exist until the time of this special. If they were going for a timeless feel and not putting a date on this thing, it could work, but instead they’re firmly placing this thing after 1 A.D. What’s the point? Is it just to shoehorn Christmas into it? It’s already about winter! People are going to watch it around Christmastime anyway.

Malicious and her friend Rotten discuss bringing dynamite along to blow up the Ministry of Winter. This is a plot point… in a kids’ special… by characters aligned with the heroes.

Also, DYNAMITE has been invented? So this special is now taking place post-1867? Both “Good King Wenceslas” and “Jingle Bells,” as well as the poem “The Night Before Christmas” had all been written by this point. All three of these specifically mention snow in correlation to the holiday season (Granted “Jingle Bells” was written as a Thanksgiving song, but still snow+holiday). What weird alternate universe is this taking place in?

Also, there are two kids named Small and Tender who want to tag along, because of course there are.

Everyone is opposed to them going, but they insist on doing it anyway. Wouldn’t it be great if just once someone told the kids they couldn’t go, and they were like “Yeah, sure we’ll stay home.”

The townsfolk draw up their angriest protest signs and get ready to leave.

Alright, one of those signs says “YAR BOO.” What does that mean? Is that his name and he doesn’t grasp the concept of protest signage? Is he Yosemite Sam talking about someone’s girlfriend? Why are all these people smiling as they hold up their protest signs? Why are they holding them up at all before they leave? It’s not like the Ministry of Winter can see them from here.

The group does this weird thing where they announce every step they take, at some points saying “Tramp” over and over. Maybe they’re going for a joke here? I mean, it’s Dan Aykroyd and Gilda Radner, but this seems to be a special for kids. It felt more like something out of Freaks until I realized they were just talking as they walk.

Small and Tender get separated from the group and get lost in the woods. Are you stalling for time in a 25 minute cartoon? We know you’re not going to kill off the children in a cartoon for children, and this sequence is neither atmospheric nor plot-relevant, so why is it here?

For some reason there’s this scene, where one of the two kids asks if anyone wants a peanut butter sandwich and everyone’s mouth moves at once like they’re all talking.

They finally make their way to the Ministry of Winter…

Where they engage in one of the dumbest “Who’s On First” conversations in history with the secretary. She asks if they have an appointment to see Winter, Goodly says no but they’d like to make one, to which she says “Winter doesn’t see people.” Is the secretary just a troll? After all this, she directs them to a different secretary! Thanks The Gift of Winter, I hear kids just love office politics in their Christmas cartoon. The only way you’re going to save this is if Winter sings a jaunty ragtime number when they meet him.

Sorry to remind you of a special with actual music in it. The soundtrack here sounds like the organist stepped out at a baseball game, and a drunk fan walked in and started goofing around. It’s that bad.

When Bazooey mis-remembers the directions to the other secretary’s office (such riveting drama, I know), Malicious tells him he has the memory of a fudgybird. Um, thanks that’s great… WHAT IS A FUDGYBIRD? Perhaps they make that distinctive bird call “Yar Boo.”

On the way upstairs, the group comes across what I would normally consider to be a clever joke, but since this movie has had zero of those so far, perhaps the animator was just stupid.

I am still unsure if I’m supposed to laugh or not.

Goodly and Nicely decide to go in and see Winter, while Malicious and Rotten plant the dynamite (with the others still not knowing). The scene where they talk to Winter is an obvious Wizard of Oz shout-out, which is at least a movie kids have seen, but it misses the entire point of homage and/or satire. It never parodies the scene or does anything different with it, so it really just borders on plagiarism. The angle in which Winter is shot also references Orson Welles’ The Trial, because I hear the kids really love that one.

I’m really not sure what the point of planting dynamite is. If you blow up the entire Ministry of Winter, does that suddenly mean Winter won’t exist? Well no, because Winter talks about the sun and cycle of the planets, and surely those aren’t stored in the Ministry of Winter. Perhaps Rotten and Malicious are going for some sort of all-out anarchy, but assuming there is a ministry for each season, wouldn’t they just step in and appoint a new head of winter?

After being turned away, the characters named Goodly and Nicely seem to be just fine with the whole dynamite plan, until they realize that Bazooey, Small and Tender are still in there. Again, these are the heroes…in a kids’ cartoon.

The kids and Bazooey talk about how sad Winter must be not having any friends and all, and this causes him to cry snowflake tears, inventing snow and putting out the dynamite.

Bazooey mistakes the phrase “The answer is no” for “The answer is snow,” therefore naming the new substance snow. I mean, dictionary.com would disagree with you on that origin there, but let’s just go with it at this point.

Winter makes sure to get them all home in time for Christmas, and they all enjoy the freezing cold season of winter, because now at least there’s snow.

This thing is just 25 minutes long, but it has so many things wrong with it. How hard is it to screw up a parable about the creation of winter? How about some attempted terrorism? If it was a parody of kids’ specials that was actually for adults, by all means, but it plays up the kids’ cuteness and doesn’t have any adult jokes. I really honestly have no idea who this is supposed to be for. Was this a passion project for Dan Aykroyd and Gilda Radner? If so, they needed to be a little more passionate. Let’s see what our judges think.

First up, it’s Kirk Cameron.

I like how it showed that Christmas was around even before the birth of Christ. He was already there before he was born. Winter of course represented God, who cries when we try to be explosive and do our own thing. Note how Winter ran a ministry, just like a church is a ministry. I give it 4 Empty Mugs of Hot Chocolate out of 5.

Mr. Mayor?

Think of all the money that was saved on budget with the cheap animation. It could have gone towards getting those children new clothes. I hope Mavilda didn’t gamble it all away. The characters didn’t seem to blink enough, which took away from the realism. I give it 2 Bags of Money out of 4.

And Winterbolt?

There can be no king of the north, save me/I give it 0 Phallic Scepters out of 3.

Maybe for kids this would just blend into the endless parade of Christmas specials, but it manages to both be lazy and have truly bizarre story elements. Since it is the only special so far, it will hold the BEST spot, but probably only temporarily.

Next week, I’ll be taking a look at the first religious special.

MATCH-UP HOME