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This Weekend, Watch This

A comparison of the new releases for September 10, 2010

By Curt David

September 10, 2010

BoxOfficeProphets.com

New movies are released into theaters every weekend. How do you decide which movie to watch? Some people could pick a movie based on the title (surprisingly, West Side Story, Once Upon a Time in Mexico, and Ever After all have different genres ). Some people watch trailers (misleading), some people listen to their friends (friends can be idiots), and some people only go to the movies if their Hollywood crush is on the screen (My Top 5 Reasons The Rebound should be released in the USA....#3: The child actors were actually good actors and funny, not annoying).

More likely than not, each weekend there is a movie that you have never heard of in the theaters. I'll save you the hassle of researching every movie, by comparing the new releases for each weekend in this column. Then, I'll tell you which movie to watch.

For the weekend of September 10th, the only movie in wide release is Resident Evil: Afterlife (in 3D). Since there is no movie to compare it to, I will compare it to another resident evil: my college roommate.

Resident Evil: Afterlife (in 3D) My College Roommate

(not a movie) Winner

(1 point per category) Clearest TitleThis must be another movie in the Resident Evil franchise...and in 3D! I've been looking forward to this! This must be based on a horrible system of assigning two random people to live in small quarters together for a year. I've been trying to forget this! Resident Evil is going to have Milla Jovovich fighting the undead. Clearly wins this point. Best Genre

and RatingAction/Horror

Rated R for sequences of strong violence and language. Horror

Rated R for stench of death from unwashed clothes, rude awakenings when you are trying to take a nap, and no dialogue whatsoever. Despite my roommate wishing he could get some action, Resident Evil wins the point for actually having action. Cleverest Tagline

(out of 5 stars)"She's back... and she's bringing a few of her friends"

This excites me. I'm not sure if she's bringing the undead, or more people to fight them, but still an energetic tagline.

3/5 stars "I like your mom"

No roommate should ever utter these words. Negative stars I would take Milla Jovovich and a few of her friends anyday, over my roommate with a slight obsession towards my mom. Best Part of TrailerI was let down. It was a lot less exciting than I thought it was going to be. And while plot shouldn't matter that much...was there one? There was the epic battle of 2002, where I kept closing the window, and he kept opening it, and neither one of us ever said a word. At least the window battle involved some excitement (me trying not to get frostbite). Point for my roommate. Coolest Lead ActorMilla Jovovich. You know her from three other Resident Evil movies, The Fourth Kind, and Zoolander. My Roommate. You know him as the guy with the flipped collar. Milla Jovovich wins the point and would make a much better roommate. Best Cast MemberAli Larter from Varsity Blues, House on Haunted Hill, Final Destination 1 and 2, Obsessed, and the show Heroes. Betty White. Despite my initial disappointment that my roommate loved watching Golden Girls reruns, the show grew on me. It's actually hilarious. Betty White should be in a Resident Evil movie. That lady can do no wrong. Point for Rose Nylund.

So out of a maximum of 7 points per movie, Resident Evil: Afterlife scores 5 points, my roommate scores 1 point, and Betty White scores 1 point.

You may interpret this column for your own movie preferences. For example, if you are applying to college, consider rooming with a friend. However, if you are still on the fence, please read the following conclusions from the scientific data gathered in this column.

Conclusion 1: On paper, Resident Evil: Afterlife is the movie to watch this weekend.

Conclusion 2: I always think that Ali Larter is Bridgette Wilson, who is married to Pete Sampras and starred in Billy Madison and I Know What You Did Last Summer. (Ali and Bridgette starred together in House on Haunted Hill).

Conclusion 3: Rose Nylund: 'My mother always use to say, "The older you get, the better you get, unless you're a banana."'