Team Dreams: Philadelphia 76ers
Tom Keiser medium.com
To be a Sixers fan is to hate basketball, to fear victory and to embody a purely Objectivist disdain for mediocrity. Our hero, the dashing architect Samuel Hinkie, saw what was needed to complete his…
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Medium
To be a Sixers fan is to hate basketball, to fear victory and to embody a purely Objectivist disdain for mediocrity. Our hero, the dashing architect Samuel Hinkie, saw what was needed to complete his vision of a basketball team the mid-2010’s needed, instead of the one the era wanted. Now The Colangelos want to put Doric columns and buttress the hell out of the Frank Lloyd Wright structure that was The Process, and we are too tired from it all to really care and besides, once you read the Wikipedia entry for The Fountainhead, boy does it become problematic.

And so we sit in the penthouse we never really wanted. The view is nice, we can see for miles, until we realize we can actually see Darius Miles, and Lamar Odom, and Elton Brand. The building next to us is one giant SLAM cover from God knows when, and out of some Ghostbustersian nightmare, our 2009-ish wishes come true, making Elton Brand sentient and ready to smush the townspeople below, so the Clippers legend can visit us one last time. Off in the distance we can see Godzilla and this year his knees are fine and maybe he can actually breathe fire like he promised, and c’mon, Mothra, we know you’ve come all the way from Serbia but it doesn’t take that long to catch your breath, do whatever you do and will you please stop stomping on the Walt Whitman Bridge, Rodan. Had I known your propensity towards fucking up on bridges we would have just traded down last year. Ben Simmons is, I don’t know, Gamera.

Your 2016–17 Philadelphia 76ers are Zack Snyder’s wet dream, monsters destroying faceless people in a genocide of self-expression, and yet are we the real monsters, the AAAH! Real Monsters?

Fuck it, we’re going 25–57.