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But The Sims didn't return to me until a few years later; in the meantime, I built theme parks in Roller Coaster Tycoon, trained labrador retrievers in Nintendogs, and pestered my friend's brother to let us play Mario Kart and Tony Hawk Pro Skater on his Nintendo 64. At some point, when my parents deemed me old enough, they bought me The Sims 2. I likely killed half my brain cells during my innumerable hours of playing it.

By high school, I was preoccupied doing Very Cool High School Things, and my obsession with The Sims franchise waned. Then, when the world shut down last year, I found myself in need of mind-numbing entertainment that could easily suck up hours of my time. Would I succumb to the supremacy of Nintendo and join the millions of social distancers who purchased the latest iteration of Animal Crossing? No — that'd be much too predictable. Instead, I'd end my decade-long hiatus and download The Sims 4.

My obsession returned like it had never left. After refamiliarizing myself with building tools and geeking out over the return of iconic franchise families like the Goths and the Calientes, my adult self had fully reverted to the young Simmer who nearly broke our family's PC with game mods and custom content. While my real life was feeling particularly bleak and entirely out of my control, The Sims 4 provided me with a sense of nostalgia and a refreshing ability to oversee pixelated humans to my heart's content.

Then, I had a revelation: The only way to make my time playing The Sims 4 even more fulfilling was to, in fact, create a Sim version of myself. And to take it a step further, I was going to give my Sim-self the life I deserve, because the United States' elected officials have completely fumbled the handling of our public health, thus robbing me of four months and counting of my precious youth.

Sim Abby isn't too different from Real Abby, really — only a little bit better. We look very much alike, right down to our tiny bangs. Sim Abby is an Arts Critic, sort of like Real Abby, except Sim Abby makes about 1000 Simoleons a day and lives in a very cute one-bedroom apartment. The New York City job market and real estate are quaking.

Photo by Abby Jones

Sim Abby's three traits are Music Lover, Good, and Vegetarian, because I decided that for the sake of my mission I would completely overlook all of my poor traits in real life. Sim Abby has maxed out the Writing and Charisma skills (social anxiety doesn't exist in The Sims 4), and she has achieved the "Friend of the World" aspiration, which is the aspiration most in-line with Real Abby's debilitating fear of being disliked by everybody she comes in contact with.

Because Real Abby hasn't so much as made eye contact with a cute boy in a bar since March of 2020, I decided to give Sim Abby a boyfriend named Spencer. Spencer is your textbook emo boy, with messy dark hair, full tattoo sleeves, and a nose piercing that says, "Have fun telling your therapist about me!"

Photo by Abby Jones

Spencer is a musician waiting for his band to take off, so for authenticity's sake, he lives in a messy house with his three bandmates, who together play shows in the basement. Sim Abby goes to all the gigs, even though the band isn't that good yet, because she is very nice.

Here are a few other recent highlights of Sim Abby's life:

She hugged her friend! Remember human contact?

Photo by Abby Jones

She sang karaoke! Too bad The Sims didn't get the rights to Liz Phair's "Why Can't I."

Photo by Abby Jones

She went to a costume party dressed as a hot dog even though she's vegetarian!

Photo by Abby Jones

I don't want to know how many hours I've spent in total crafting Sim Abby's perfect life, but I haven't regretted it for a second. If your real life is feeling increasingly dreary, I'd suggest you download The Sims 4 and create the life you've been missing out on.

However, the film's corresponding video games were a mixed bag. There were many that were great, then many that were so bad they made history as some of the most loathed video games ever created. While it's not unusual for blockbuster films to spawn atrocious corresponding video games, to explore the Harry Potter video game franchise is to find a surprisingly diverse range of games in terms of quality.

For the record, we are only ranking the movie tie-in games and not the excellent LEGO Harry Potter series, nor the ghastly Harry Potter: Kinect or other piss-poor standalone games.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Pt. 1 and 2

The seventh and final entry in the Harry Potter movie tie-in franchise was absolute trash, and in turn remains one of Electronic Arts' lowest rated games ever made. The game's dark, low-res color palette tinted everything and everyone in a musty greenish hue, except for Hermione for some reason? She had almost an angelic glow compared to every other character's inky design.

As for gameplay, the previous entries' free-roaming open world concepts were ditched entirely. Instead, the game was a level-by-level third person cover shooter, except the guns were wands, and frankly there wasn't a lot of cover to hide behind.

The gameplay was also glitchy; it was impossible to aim, the A.I. enemies were terrible, and just everything about this game felt hollow and rushed. Part 2, which was its own game entirely, wasn't much better either. Sure, the third person shooter vibe made more sense in theory because of the Battle of Hogwarts, but EA didn't fix any of the substantial gameplay issues, so the battle was just joyless to partake in.

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone

The first movie-tie in video game entry was more like a platformer, with spell casting taking a back seat and only really appearing in fun little mini games. The grounds of Hogwarts were still off limits, but players could openly explore the castle, which was an impressive feat considering the limitations of consoles back then.

The characters looked like shit though, and the combat was pretty rhythmic and easy. The game was a first step in the right direction in terms of helping fans feel like they were at Hogwarts, but with no side quests and very little to do other than the main story, there remained little replay value after beating the game.

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

After the open-world sandbox experiences of The Chamber of Secrets and The Prisoner of Azkaban (more on those entries later), fans were disappointed when The Goblet of Fire abandoned any sort of open-world anything in favor of a rigid level-by-level playthrough, with only eight levels to choose from.

This is probably because EA only had one year to throw together a game after the success of Prisoner of Azkaban, and the resulting effort ultimately feels rushed. With that said, it was the first Potter game to feature local multiplayer, which was a nice touch.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

To be fair, out of all the movie tie-ins, Order of Phoenix was by far the most difficult to turn into a successful action game, considering the film substituted wizarding action for a darker and more politically driven plot. EA UK got around this by focusing extensively on Harry's recruitment for Dumbledore's Army, so the game was heavily geared towards exploration and interaction.

The gameplay itself was also kind of fun, because it catered to the Wii's joystick at the time, making use of the joystick to wield Harry's wand and cast spells rather than having players just press a button. It was a finicky mechanic, no doubt, but it added to that immersion that fans longed for.

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

I was personally shocked at how much fun I had playing the Half-Blood Prince's tie-in. Hogwarts was far more detailed than it had ever been. Classrooms and the hallways felt bustling with life, and every detail in the books somehow made its way into the game in one form or another.

But the voice acting was atrocious, and the camera was wonky and uncontrollable during the game's fight scenes. The entry wasn't groundbreaking by any stretch in terms of gameplay or exploration, but it reaffirmed what people loved most about the series.

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets

An immersive and enjoyable game, Potter's second outing into the Wizarding World was full of lighthearted fun that built upon the explorative mechanics of Sorcerer's Stone. Players were now allowed to explore the grounds of Hogwarts via Harry's Nimbus 2000, which was really fun to use to fly around the castle at lightning speed.

The grounds and the castle were also filled with secret chests and puzzles that encouraged exploration, and the controls were user-friendly enough to warrant some satisfying spellcasting moments in combat. Throw in a few fun Quidditch matches, and you have yourself a near perfect game, if it wasn't for the sometimes redundant puzzles.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

The series' third movie tie-in game may have completely omitted any playable Quidditch matches, but in its stead the game added the most fully realized version of Hogwarts ever. There were boss fights, endless goodies to find and nooks to explore both in the castle and on the grounds, and you even got to engage in satisfying tussles with Dementors.

It also included a handful of RPG mechanics, such as leveling up your character, which made completing side missions feel rewarding. You could also play as Hermione and Ron if you wanted. This last great Harry Potter game was actually released 17 years ago today, and frankly, for the rest of the franchise, it was all downhill from there.

But with that said, many tried-and-true RPGs fall into repetitive narrative arcs or cliche melodrama, and then others are so far outside the realm of imagination that they fall apart completely. Here are some of the quirkiest stories ever told in RPGs over the years.

Shadow Hearts

Combining elements of alternate history with that of Lovecraftian horror, Shadow Hearts' overarching narrative is wildly bizarre. The story follows Yuri Hyuga, who strives to protect a young girl named Alice Elliot from an evil magician. Yes, a magician. The story takes place in an alternative 1914 during World War I, and Yuri finds himself embroiled within WWI's actual conflicts.

But Shadow Hearts' gameplay is as bizarre as its story. During the game's turn-based combat, the player controls Yuri and three other characters with actions in battle strictly reliant on a timed-based clock system known as the Judgement Ring.

Before a character can attack, players must press a button at the correct time to stop a golden hand as it rotates around an ancient clock; if you stop the hand at the correct time, the player's attack will be more powerful. Anyways, the game pretty much culminates in a massive battle against God and apparently is pretty fun despite its disorderly narrative.

Juice Galaxy

This ludicrous RPG was released for free last March as the pandemic kicked into full throttle and will soon be released to Steam once it's "officially" completed. Players star as a physically floppy nameless 3-D avatar in the Juice Galaxy, a mushy, psychedelic world where bizarre monsters and set pieces lurk around its every crevice.

Players must navigate through the galaxy and tackle whatever challenges await them, and that's pretty much it. There are various bizarre weapons and ways to upgrade your player, but it's hard to focus on all of that when every encounter in the game is more absurd than the last.

Lisa: The Painful

A rugged drug addict named Brad navigates a post-apocalyptic world and discovers a stranded baby girl laid out in its midst. He raises her in secret while fighting against his addiction, but she is eventually found and kidnapped, forcing Brad to rescue her.

The game itself is excellent; as a result of Lisa's dark comedy and compelling story, it has garnered a massive cult following over the years, but what transpires along the way is no doubt strange.

Brad and his friends are all addicted to a drug called Joy that increases a character's power when taken but leads to intense withdrawals. Also, everyone in Brad's party is susceptible to permanent death, except for Brad. But while Brad can't die, he can permanently lose limbs and often has to choose between either losing an arm or a few of his party members. If he loses all his limbs, he remains able only to bite his enemies. As implied by the grotesque gameplay, the story itself has no happy ending.

Valkyrie Profile 2: Silmeria

While the premise of this JRPG series isn't all that bizarre, it's the obscure plot twists that make Valkyrie Profile 2 absolutely insufferable. Originally meant to be set a few centuries before the original Valkyrie Profile, players must strive to stop a war from happening between gods and mortals.

But players quickly learn that the game is in fact not happening a few centuries before Valkyrie Profile but instead just within an alternate timeline, which would explain why early on in the game the villain from the original Valkyrie Profile game suddenly joins your party. It turns out, the villain had used dark magic in order to travel through dimensions and try to change history.

The main character of the first game later appears as well, but as a GOD rather than as a man. The protagonist of Valkyrie Profile 1 then joins the protagonist of Valkyrie Profile 2 to take down the villain from Valkyrie Profile 1. Get all that?

Persona 3

The third outing in the popular JRPG series follows a group of high-schoolers as they investigate an alternate time period wherein creatures named Shadows feed on human brains. One of the game's main gameplay aspects revolves around each character's Personas, manifested auras that only appear after a player shoots themselves in the head with a special gun known as an "Evoker." The high schoolers must then use their Personas to stop menacing demons from invading our world.

Tony Hawk's Existential Nightmare

It's difficult to find the words to describe Tony Hawk's Existential Nightmare. Gamers play as Tony Hawk, kind of, as he skates around his neighborhood and nails tricks, kind of.

With keyboard controls similar to that of the timed-response mechanics for DDR, players accumulate points for just skating forward as long as they hit the appropriate keys on time. Tony Hawk flies with eagles into mountains, jumps on top of rooftops, and at one point does so with a buddy. It's a game that can be beaten in half an hour, but it will pull your brain apart along the way.