Epic Movie (Re)Watch #26 - 2012
Spoilers below.

Have I seen it before: Yes.

Did I like it then: Yes.

Do I remember it: Yes.

Did I see it in theaters: Yes.

Was it a movie I saw since August 22nd, 2009: Yes. #13.

Format: Blu-ra…
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Spoilers below.

Have I seen it before: Yes.

Did I like it then: Yes.

Do I remember it: Yes.

Did I see it in theaters: Yes.

Was it a movie I saw since August 22nd, 2009: Yes. #13.

Format: Blu-ray.

1) So I first saw this movie when it first came out in theaters and I haven’t seen it since. I enjoyed it then, but I was also 13. I didn’t go in with high expectations, just some fun destruction not Shakespeare. It was about as good and enjoyable as I expected, although only now do I realize how stupid it is.

2) This is also what I like to call The Blockbuster Four (now three...but more on that later). When Blockbuster went out of business I visited my local one with a gift card and got four movies on Blu-ray for myself (as well as The Young Victoria for my mom and Paul Blart: Mall Cop for my brother). Those four movies were:

2012

Duplicity

The Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus

Rocky

You can tell they’re from Blockbuster because they’re in a Blockbuster case instead of the official Blu-ray case they normally come in. I actually got a trailer for Dr. Parnassus on this movie, so I liked that.

3) This movie has Chiwetel Ejiofor!

That right there makes it more fun to watch right away. It also has John Cusack as the lead, and I do enjoy me some John Cusack.

4) It’s time to share a piece of IMDb trivia about this film to debunk the entire, “the world will end in 2012,” myth that’s it a Mayan myth (I promise that makes sense after you read this):

The doomsday theory sprung from a Western idea, not a Mayan one. Mayans insisted that the world would not end in 2012. The Mayans had a talent for astronomy, and enthusiasts found a series of astronomical alignments they said coincided in 2012. Once every 640,000 years, the sun lines up with the center of the Milky Way galaxy on the winter solstice, the sun's lowest point in the horizon. The last time that happened was on December 21, 2012, the same day the Mayan calender expired. The modern doomsday myth was bolstered by several ostensibly scientific reasons for a disaster, including a pole shift, the "return" of Planet X or the Sun's sinister counterpart Nemesis, a galactic, planetary, or other celestial alignment, global warming, global cooling, a massive solar flare, or a new ice age. None had any basis in respected science. For example, the "galactic alignment" between the sun, Earth, and galactic center happens every December. The best alignment was reached in the 1990s, and was accompanied by its own set of doomsday theories. Alignments since then have been increasingly poor.

So later in the film when a character says, “The Mayans saw this coming thousands of years ago,” I’m just like, “no. No they didn’t.”

5) Wisconsin Reference Number 1!

Random Person on the Street [after an earthquake]: “Meryl, I told you, we have to move back to Wisconsin!”

Wisconsin is name dropped three times in this film and that’s because the executive producer on this film - Michael Wimer - is from Wisconsin. I was also born and raised in Wisconsin and I saw this movie in Wisconsin, so every time it was mentioned there was either small cheering or mild laughter.

6) Hey look! Liam James from The Way Way Back and, “The Family,” is in this!

7) Also, the kinda one-dimensional-weirdly-written-more-than-occasionally-asshole-of-a-step-dad in this movie is played by Tom McCarthy...

Who more recently directed the Academy Award winner for Best Picture Spotlight...

8) The biggest problem with this movie (other than the fact that it can be kinda stupid, but it’s a fun kinda stupid) is that it’s overstuffed. Here are just some of the plots I can remember.

Main plot: John Cusack trying to save his family.

Secondary main plot: Chiewetel Ejiofor trying to save the planet while dealing with Oliver Platt’s prick of a character.

Subplot 1: Two old geezers on a cruise ship...who die.

Subplot 2: The president and his daughter. The president dies.

Subplot 3: This random monk, his brother, and their grandparents...who randomly run into John Cusack when it’s convenient.

Subplot 4: John Cusack’s boss - a Russian caricature - and his boys...and his girlfriend...do something.

I forgot about most of these guys coming into it and in all honesty won’t remember a lot of them a year from now.

9) Woody Harrelson!

So Zombieland was released in October 2009 and became Woody Harrelson’s highest opening weekend ever (or maybe it was his top grossing film ever, I forgot to fact check) and then 2012 came out in November and became the highest opening weekend for a movie with Woody Harrelson in it (or maybe it was his top grossing movie, IDK). Both were released by Sony and when you watch Zombieland you can even see a 2012 post in the background. I’m sure one of the Hunger Games movie holds this record now but still...

10) I’m sure a lot of these side characters of counterparts in the other film directed by Roland Emmerich: Independence Day. Woody Harrelson is kinda like Randy Quaid in that he’s the crazy redneck who somehow knows what’s going on before everyone else does. Chiwetel Ejiofor is kinda like Jeff Goldblum’s character, he even has an elderly dad. There’s a random kinda weird scientist who’s like Bret Spiner in that movie (only he’s British here), all that good stuff.

10) A 2009/2012...back when Arnold Schwarzenegger was Governor of California and people could make jokes about that.

Although the Arnie on the TV in this movie is a really shitty impersonator that it’s distracting from the joke.

11) 1 F-bomb! You only get to use, “Fuck,” once - maybe twice - in a PG-13 movie!

Jackson: “Get in the fucking car!”

I would’ve saved it for later.

12) Both the limo ride through LA as it gets destroyed and the later van ride through Yellowstone park as it turns into a volcano (that really happens) are very stupid and very ridiculous. I love it!

13) I want to punch Oliver Platt in his stupid face during this movie, he is like such a stereotype of the government weasel who only cares about fat cats that he’s not even a character he’s an emotional plot device. The point of him being in the movie is for me to be pissed off!

He doesn’t save his mom, he cares more about the money then saving the species, he is totally arrogant, devoid of any sympathy, has an extra ticket on the ark that he doesn’t use, and...GAH! He’s a prick!

(GIF originally posted by @jamesbleach)

14) The relationship between the President (played by Danny Glover) and his daughter (played by Thadie Newton) is incredibly underdeveloped to the point where I don’t feel sad when they say their goodbyes. In fact, Thadie Newton’s character as a whole is very underdeveloped to the point where I could not tell you a single thing about her character other than she may be some sort of doctor and I finished the movie an hour ago! I don’t think she passes the Sexy Lamp Test.

15) Okay, follow this is you can. the girlfriend (Beatrice Rosen) or Jackson’s (John Cusack’s) boss (Zlatko Buric) is a patient of Jackson’s (John Cusack’s) ex-wife’s (Amanda Peet’s) new boyfriend (Tom McCarthy).

16)

Gordon [after hitting some Las Vegas debris]: “Was that the Eiffel Tower?”

17) Wisconsin Reference 2!

Carl Anheuser: “You’re telling me that the North Pole...is now somewhere in Wisconsin?”

(GIF source unknown [if this is your GIF please let me know].)

It actually turns out to be the South Pole but damn it gets cold in Wisconsin.

18) My reaction after Jackson’s kid says Gordon is nice when you get to know him:

19) So this whole premise is based on the concept that radiation from the sun causes the earth’s core to melt and the crust to move around on the surface. This is called, “Earth crust displacement theory,” and although I don’t know anything about it outside of what this film tells me I would not be surprised if it’s representation was less than accurate.

20)

Adrian [upon seeing the rooms in the Ark to lead people to safety]: “You could fit ten people in here.”

This film is cynical to the point of stupidity. There are films which are too optimistic, but the fact that this film thinks in a time of survival they’d chose to go with luxury over mass amount of lives saved - in my not so humble opinion - is kinda moronic. But again, that’s just my opinion.

21) So Gordon dies and the we get about 10 seconds of his wife or girlfriend (Jackson’s ex) freaking out about it...but we never hear about him again.

They just get over it really quickly and by the time the film ends - flashing forward to a week later - Jackson and his wife are back together.

(GIF originally posted by @dailydcheroes)

Because...traditional family values, I guess.

22) The last fifteen minutes of the film before the final scene are kinda it for me. By that point I have just lost interest and they’re just stretching out the end.

23) Wisconsin Reference 3!

The First Daughter [quoting Jackson’s book]: “Somehow or another, we all have relatives in Wisconsin.”

24)

[Jackson comes up from behind and gives Kate - his ex-wife - a hug]

Kate: “Where have you been all my life?”

Jackson: “Gift shop.”

If you want a fun disaster movie to kill time on a weekday afternoon, feel free to put in 2012. It’s kinda stupid but fun too (although not as fun as Emmerich’s other film Independence Day), and although it’s too stuffed and a little too long watching it just once won’t kill you. But there’s also no real need to watch it, it’s not a classic by any means just a fun way to kill time.